Forensic Jelly Tornado Eleven !

Now, I like dogs.  I do. 

But here's my question:  Who decided that it was OK to bring your dog everywhere?  When did that become just fine? What happened to commercial public health and hygiene certificates? Businesses were required to have one and display it. One of the clauses was 'absolutely no animals on the premises.' You could get your business license pulled. One cockroach is all it took, let alone someone's Standard damn Poodle.

Bring on the service dogs. They're heroes.   No, what I don't like is when you're sipping your oatmeal stout and someone's Bernese Mountain Dog lifts his leg against the corner of the bar and nobody acts like it's a problem. I don't like going into a grocery store all full of dogs sniffing each other's butts and dragging around loaves of bread, and I don't like wondering 'Is this brown smear on the floor human or canine?'

Bellingham is the official capitol of 'Love Me, Love My Dog Using Your Premises Like A Toilet.'  Dear visitor, do NOT under any circumstances, buy or touch anything in this town that is stocked below knee level, in any store. Any. Store.  I mean it. This goes particularly for the Food Co-Op and Trader Joes.  

What the fuck is it about Trader Joes? I mean, look what I found:

Y'alluns over in the UK might remember this one. Or not. Maybe you were all high and shit.   Moment dog tied to trolley urinates at Trader Joe's | Metro News  

 Clearly it's the dog owners who are the problem. Pity it's against the law to smash their heads against the curb, because this is a problem that demands a human head be smashed against a curb. At first I was going to say 'rub their noses in what their dog did' but you risk offending the dog. 

Thing is, here in Bellingham, it's not just dogs. It's also miniature horses; I kid thee not, cats, medium sized pigs, rats, goats, ferrets, chickens, snakes, rabbits, possums, raccoons, parrots, wolves, mice, hamsters, coyotes, guinea pigs and lizards.  

This is not cool. I am not impressed. I do not want to stand behind you in the checkout line and watch your obese shoulder rat take a shit down your back.  There is no reason in the world that you need to bring a goddamn lizard into Discount Tires. It's not an emotional support animal. It's a fucking lizard. Nobody thinks you're cool. They think you're the type of person who identifies as wolf-kin, has a hundred stickers on their car, and is too chickenshit to get a tattoo.

 Yeah I chose the California plate on purpose. I'm from the PNW. We're required by law to rank on the Golden State. 

And another thing. Ducks do not belong in a credit union, and ducks do not need shoes. Yet duck shoes are a thing.   And naturally, you can buy them at WalMart. FAIOIN Waterproof Lightweight Pet Duck Shoes Casual Walking Booties Footwear for Small Ducks Gooses Outdoor Duck Booties - Walmart.com

Duck shoes. Shoes for a duck. With sizes. For duck feet.  Plus the duck was wearing a duck diaper. It was a pink duck diaper with flowers on it. This is Petit Trianon - level dorkage and I will not stand for it. This is exactly the kind of person who's going to claim 'This is my emotional support animal!" and they're going to need all it's duckly powers of support if I catch them in my credit union again because I plan to unleash the gospel of the Elder Gods on that B.S.

This is my emotional support animal. Now make your case, duck-shoer.