Thursday, September 13, 2018

Hammer Time!!!

This is a story ripped from the gritty front pages of 1989's most savage news!

If you have allergies, then you need to check your tampon more often than you think.

Now, don’t buy into the corporate bullshit.  You do not need five differently configured

 You do not need to open up a goddamn map of Europe and plan your every movement
for the next week using little colored flags and those pool cue things. Just carry extras,
and duck into every bathroom you come across one, and check the fuse.

Don’t wait until you sneeze.   

I was picking my daughter up from grade school.  At the time I was driving a 1963
Ford Falcon, full trim package.  It was Energy blue, with patches of grey primer, and the
word “WOW” spray-painted on the drivers side door.  Unmatched colorful chandelier
crystals hung all around the edge of the headliner.

I was wearing Hammer pants that day. Oh yes, I was; and they were a bright red-cerise
not found in nature and covered in minute, multicolored paisleys, because I didn’t stand
out enough.  
I looked AWESOME.  

The school was a pleasantly landscaped facility surrounded by blossoming chestnut

I stepped out of my car, took one breath and sneezed so hard my well-soaked tampon
blasted down my pantleg like a bullet.

I was not expecting this.  

A glance down told me that the only tell-tale was a somewhat darker area down near my
ankle, where the pants nipped in and clutched the lower leg. Remember those pants?
 From the knee down they were skin tight. But it had been one gut-busting hell of a sneeze.
 The only thing keeping the little darling off the sidewalk was the tight ankle of the pant and
the cuff of my sock.

It was very warm.

And I kept on sneezing as I stood there, per regulation, waiting for my little school girl to
come out.  With all the other mommies and daddies. Slowly soaking my vast, screaming
red pants in explosive blasts with every sneeze.

Not one single soul noticed.

Once she hopped into the car I was gone. I ran stoplights.  I split lanes. I made illegal turns,
passed cars, exceeded the speed limit and somehow, somehow, I was not stopped by
the police, who would have been mightily impressed by my whole thing going on, I’m sure,
particularly the 7 year old kid in back singing Madonnas “Like A Prayer”.

I don’t even remember parking, just running to the shower.  

Did I leave a trail?  Yes. Yes, I did.

And did the shower stall look like I’d slaughtered a pig in it ?  

Oh my goodness yes.  

And I kept sneezing. I’m rinsing and squeezing and rinsing my pants and socks and every
time I thought I had things under control, I’d sneeze again, so I was holding them at chest
height, which was awkward and unpleasant.

Pants and socks rinsed,  I grabbed a roll of toilet paper to stem the tide and a bath sheet to
wrap up in, dumped my clothes in the washer, got that under way and then duck-walked,
dripping wet and barefoot, wrapped in a huge towel, 409 in hand,  back through the house,
pushing a dishrag with one foot, mopping up the scene of the crime.

All the way out to the car.

Every time I sneezed, I could feel the toilet roll hanging on for dear life. I kept it in place by
invoking the kind of sheer emergency telekinetic power that mothers manifest when lifting
a freight car off an infant.

The only lasting answer was a drastic measure.  

And so once I was finished mopping up what looked like an axe murder, I rolled up a bath
towel, saddled up, then pulled a pair of my husbands underwear over the works, and threw
a big old hippie dress on top of it all.

Wherever you are, in whatever you do, God bless you, M.C. Hammer.

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

Wombat Facts You Should Know

There are many facts about the wombat. You should know these facts so that if you ever meet up with one in a dark bar you will be able to make intelligent conversation. Many of them are quite reserved at first, but once the ice is broken they make universally sought after partners in dance competitions (See Marquese Scott, Alfonso Ribiero, Soulja Boy) So sit back and enjoy this excursion into the wom-world!

1. Wombats will lie to you.
They will totally lie to you if they feel like you're an anthropologist or you have a cultural superiority-type attitude.  You have to go in pure of heart.  Many of the interviews that have been published in the past are full of wombat "in" jokes, or are pure fabrication on the part of the interviewee.

2. Most wombats like to live in holes.
Wombat holes vary in quality.  This is the reason that wombats have evolved a keratin helmet thing over their whole entire ass because it makes it so they can use their ass as an armored hole door.  Yes!

3.  Wombats have pride.
They turn their backs on their enemies.  Hence the helmet ass.  That's pretty hardcore.  Do not take a stick and rap on the wom-butt once he's down there guarding his wom-burrow, though.  It is in poor taste.

4. Wombats do not care.
If you have a problem, do not take it to a wombat.  Wombats have busy lives.  They do wombat things.  Your dumbass problems mean nothing to them, unless your problems are connected to an issue related to wombat preferences, activities, or lifestyles.

5. Some wombats are famous.
Liv Tyler is a wombat who had earned great international acclaim for her work both on and off the screen.   Ed Sheeran, pop artist, donates half his annual earnings to Wombat charities.  Kim Jong-il has dodged direct statements concerning his rumored wombat heritage, but candid photographs reveal that the tell-tale helmet butt formation is present.  Famous wombats in history include Pico Della Mirandola, Herbert Hoover, William Howard Taft and the reknowned American E-Sports Faze Clan members   FaZe Housecat (now renamed as Timid)  FaZe ClipZ and FaZe Resistance.

6.Wombats accidentally landed a plane in Israel in the early 1960s.  The matter gave rise to numerous conspiracy theories.

7.  A favorite vacation destination of wombats is Dubai, where some have elected to take up residence as replacements for the children traditionally used as jockeys in camel racing.

8.   Wombats.

9.  Wombats pass cube-shaped poos.  Great care is taken by Australians in the know not to mistake this substance for spilled bouillion cubes, although each year some 300-400 cases of square wombat poo ingestion are treated in hospitals.  The victims are usually elderly vegetarians.

9. Wombats are marsupials with a difference - an upside-down pouch!  As they spend the majority of their time on all fours this presents little difficulty for the young, and serves to prevent the pouch from being filled with lsd, opals, syringes, coal, peyote buttons and other elements found in the rugged Outback soil.  Wombat young complain most commonly about the "Dutch Oven" effect on their early childhood.

10. Wombats will whip up on you.  Broken legs and puncture wounds are most commonly reported by people hapless enough to disturb the "wisdom" or group of wombats during their nocturnal rituals.  No deaths have been reported, giving rise to numerous conspiracy theories.

11.  While the name "Wombat" would seem to refer to the animals relation to bats, the binomial name of at least one variant, Vombatus ursinus, translates roughly into "Wombatbear".  This terrifying interation of the species is thought to be extinct, although Amelia Earhart described a "heavy, digging animal with a motorized saw" in her last transmissions.  Most scientists dismiss her words as a psychological manifestation of altitude sickness, although her fractured account of "broad bat wings, huge things with horrible, pulsing, venous structures easily discerned due to the transparent nature of the encompassing tissue" and a "little head facing out its bottom, signalling as though in distress" is eagerly grasped by cryptozoologists as evidence that could point to the cause of her disappearance.

12. Many wombats are incapable of driving a car, flying a plane or operating a cuisinart successfully. Scientists attribute this to their widespread abuse of salvia divinorum, bath salts and detergent pods.