Monday, January 16, 2017

Super Talk Show / 超级访问 !!!!!

Because I hate the cold, and the weather here has been in the 20f range with hurricane-worthy wind gusts, I've spent the better part of the last two months indoors, going nowhere but the pharmacy and the local grocery store.  After the gardening hyperactivity of March to early November, it's actually been quite nice to just sit here on my dead ass, reading Lovecraft, listening to obscure music, and watching demented shit on Syfy.  In fact, I didn't realize how much I needed an extended period of simple inactivity until I realized that I was recovering from an injury I didn't know I'd had until I regained full range of movement in my left arm.

Let's go back....back in time....

Year before last, I had a job.  It was incredibly physically demanding, but I was up. Hell yeah!  

Unfortunately, not all my internal organs agreed with that decision.  

This is why I passed out briefly behind the wheel, just an instant, only to come to a moment later to find myself clanging off the drivers side door as I ran off the road and down a steep bank smack into a drainage ditch. Instead of screaming  - I don't even thing I said 'fuck' once - I started repeating "No barbed wire, please, no barbed wire, please, no barbed wire.."

Don't ask me where my sudden presence of mind came from; it's a rare enough occurrence anyway without finding myself in the middle of a car accident, but I floored it and steered into the slides as I rocketed through wet, mucky corn fields followed by a ten-foot rooster tail of mud,  dodged my way through a stand of alder, shot down a creek bed, blew straight through a brush pile - I actually caught air a couple of times as I flew up and over a couple of hay lanes - until finally I found a driveway in good enough shape to get me back onto the road.  Pedal still mashed to the floor, I drifted into a hard left and went screaming back up onto the road, hitting a car as I passed over the center line, and ended up parked in a farmers' turn-around on the opposite side of the road wondering what the fuck had just happened.

I have to admit; danger aside, it was a blast.  So yes, I was very confused at that point.  Confused yet exhilarated.  I got out of my car and looked at the front....hallelujia!  No barbed wire!!

A Polish gentleman pulled up alongside me as I stood leaning in woozy relief against my car.   Turns out he was the man driving the car I'd hit.

"Have you been drinking?" he asked.  I looked at him in amazement.  There was a long pause while I searched for the speech center in my brain.  

"Who are you?"  I asked, finally.

"That don't matter.  You hit my car. Not be worries.  My car is piece of shit.  Are you drinking? Are you feel ok?"

I finally processed this.  "Oh!  No!  I think I fell asleep or something...I've been up since 4 am.  I think I'm OK...are you?"

He reassured me.  "No worry then. My car drives. It's just piece of shit, don't even worried.  I don't smell no alcohol on you.  Just as long as you not been drinking the alcohol OK. And can drive?  Then I leaved  Don't worries my car, ok?  Is just a piece of shit."

Now, I hadn't just tapped his car.  I'd pleated the whole thing right down the drivers side.

It took a few moments to realize that, because he hadn't been lying - his car truly was a piece of shit.  It lacked any recognizable paint as well as a passengers' side front quarter panel, and he was using red duct tape in place of lenses over the backup lights.  

He was more worried about the insurance angle than I was!

It turns out I was able to drive home.  My car had no damage WHATSOEVER...just a lot of mud swept up and over the roof, some brush up in the wheel wells and a big willow branch caught in the front bumper that I swept the street with all the way home.  I had just chucked it into the compost when the Biker drove in.  The only thing he noticed was the mud, and I told him - truthfully! - that I'd gone through a couple of big puddles.

I got away with this like a BOSS.

The Biker never had a clue.  The next morning bright and early I pressure washed the undercarriage and engine compartment, checked the radiator, oil and gas - no leaks, no ponks, no scratches, no nothing. The only shred of evidence that I'd gone on Mr. Toads wild ride is that the hard rubber bumper guard on the passengers' side was shiny instead of coated in filth like my car usually is.
Friends and neighbors, I highly recommend the 1989 Buick Regal. It is a BEAST.

I quit my job that night.  I drove the car for a couple more months until the Biker decided to sell it.  We made 200.00 over the original price.

I went to the doctors and found out why I'd passed out.  Turns out I was near kidney failure for lack of hydration and over-work *snif*.  Fainting is one of the symptoms. I started hydrating like a mad bastard, and that took care of that.  But my shoulder?

I had been unconscious just long enough to realize that when I'd first gone off the road and smacked myself against the drivers' door I'd bruised the shit out of my left rotator cuff.

At least, not until, after the past few months of inactivity, it got better!

Thursday, January 12, 2017


Have  you been worried by the following?  
FirstNations will clear that shit up like salicylic acid.

1.  Do you believe that you have been (supernaturally) cursed?
-No, you haven't.

2.  Do you visit fortune tellers?
-You're a credulous moron, aren't you.

3.  Are Ouija Boards for real?

4. While driving through the woods one night I saw Bigfoot.
-No, you didn't.  You saw a bear. A bear, a bear, a bear. A.  Bear.

5. While eating dirt in the woods one night I heard Bigfoot.
-No, you didn't.  You heard an elk.  If you do not live in elk country, it was a hobo.
6. Is the Tarot real?

7.  Is astrology real?
-Fuck no; are you kidding, hippie?    No.

8. Is telepathy real?
-No.  Sadly.

9. What about geomancy?  I paid good money to have my house feng shui'd.
- You can just steep in that for awhile you sad crystal-gazing did what?

10.  Clairaudience? Distant viewing? ESP in general?

11.  Are ghosts real?
-No.  Probably.

12.  What about demons.
-Absolutely no.  Probably.

13.  Psychic vampires?
-Only 12-year-old girls believe in psychic vampires.

14.  I am a psychic vampire.  
-No, you're a 12-year-old girl.

15.  Are any vampires real?

16.  But what about the vampires living in Forks, Washington?
 -Shit, what about the werewolves living in Forks, Washington?  You hardly ever hear about them.  They are all Native American and ruggedly handsome.    

17.  Can people have visions of the future?

18.  Can people have visions of the past?
-Yes.  This is commonly known as 'memory'.

19.  I know somebody who was bit by a werewolf and can change into a werewolf.
-Answer a question for werewolves do it doggie style?  It seems like they would.  

21.  My great uncle was one of the guys who helped open King Tuts' tomb and he died of a cobra bite six months later.  Was this an example of The Curse Of Tuts' Tomb at work?
-No. It is an example of why you shouldn't dick with cobras.

22.  My great grandfather attended the first public showing of the Hope Diamond and died six months later of septicemia.  Was this an example of  

23.  I keep finding dead chickens and goat blood on my front porch every morning.  Should I worry?
-I'm not seeing the problem here.

24. Satan worshippers are everywhere and they can cast spells and do other magic things.
-Satan worshippers are everywhere, and they think they can cast spells and do other magic things.     
25.  I hear cows at night.
-I do too.

26.  My cousin totally saw the Jersey Devil.
-I'm so sorry.

27.  My other cousin totally saw the Bunnyman eating a dead guy near Bunnyman Bridge.
-I bet this cousin is married to your cousin who totally saw the Jersey Devil, huh.

28.  My grandma's mobile home is haunted by a little girl who giggles at night.
-No, your grandmother giggles at night because after grandpa died she took a much younger lover.  Sorry to break it to you like this.  I know it's awkward.

29. In a former life I was    

30.  The Band KISS were    

31.  Led Zeppelin   
-NO.   -wait, yes.  That and the shark thing.  

32.  Can you really fish out of your bedroom window at the Edgewater Inn?  
-Not anymore you can't.  Guess why.

33.  I live in an old Victorian Era house and   

34.  Are there such things as aliens and UFO's?
-Absolutely without a doubt.  

35.  Seriously?  Aliens and UFO's are real?
-No. I was messing with you. What you're seeing is the planet Venus, or perhaps a patch of luminous swamp gas. 

34.  I  saw a UFO land in the graveyard so my boyfriend and I snuck in and nine months later I had a funny looking baby.  How did this happen?
-Ball lightening.

35.  My cat died but one night I felt it jump up on the bed.  
-Wrong.  It was a hobo.

Questions?  Comments?  Let me know.   I'll give your input my sincere attention and do my best to help with your stupid fucked up issues.  Thanks for reading!

Sunday, January 8, 2017

How To Tell If There's Nothing Going On In Your House 
That A Swift Kick And A Couple Of Prozac Won't Fix  
Firstly, do you live in a mobile home?  Congratulations!  You are not haunted! Not even if there is blood streaming down the mail slot in the front door and you are sited atop a Victorian Era grave full of  deformed infants and grimoires.  

1.  Do you hear a baby crying and you don't have a baby?  Congratulations!  You are not being haunted by a baby!  If you live in the Pacific Northwest, what you have is a opossum. 

2.  Do you hear what sounds like cinderblocks or stones being whipped super hard at the walls or any other part of the house?   
My Advice:  Check the neighborhood for unsupervised boys between the ages of 5 and 20. If you actually find objects -rocks, fruit, cinderblocks, etc. you have an infestation of unsupervised boys

3. Does your cat stare at one spot for an hour or more, hissing and yowling, with it's fur standing up?
My Advice:  Ignore. Cats are insane.

4. Does your dog stare at one spot for an hour or more, whimpering or growling, with it's fur standing up?
My Advice:   Your dog hangs around with your cat too much.

5. Have you lost a beloved pet recently, and are now having experiences that seem as though that pet still resides with you in ghost form?
My Advice:  This is not happening.  Let go already. I know this will garner cries of bereaved outrage and denial, to which I say buck the fuck up.  Fluffy is a' mouldering in her grave.

Ever wonder why hauntings are limited to people, dolls, the occasional horse, dog, or cat, and Victorian homes?  Why don't you get haunted by the cows that gave their lives for your Happy Meal? And why are ghosts always (post)mammalian?  What about canaries, or tilapia, or road machinery?  Ever wonder why you aren't hip deep in the ghosts of cavemen?  Why don't the animals you run over with your car return to torment your nights with unexplained 'splut' noises?  I have no idea.  Neither do Penn and Teller, from whom I totally ripped this off.  

6. Do you see 'shadow people' darting past?  You don't.  You see shadows, period.  This is an artifact of peripheral vision.  You might have a bat in the house, though.  Or a large moth.  EW.

7.  Do you see small shadows darting past?  Congratulations!  Your house is infested with rats!

8.  Do you wake up choking with a hideous old woman sitting on your chest?  Hooray!  This is a sleep disorder called 'Old Hag Syndrome'.  Go see a sleep specialist.  Problem solved.

8. Do you wake up in the middle of the night with somebody breathing heavily near your face, and you sleep alone?   Hooray!  You have a mild case of sleep paralysis.  Your brain wakes up just an instant before your body gets the message; creating a sensory dissonance, and guess what?  You snore.  Yes you do.

9. Digging up a lot of bones (non-human) when you garden?  Ignore. For some reason people think nothing of chunking bones out in the yard.

10.  Old houses only: hearing loud banging noises indoors, infrequently and at any hour?  There are two answers to this.  1. You have steam heat.  2. You're losing fire stops ( short boards jammed between the wall studs), lumps of dried-out plaster, or forgotten sashweights. These objects have been subject to decades of  rodent nibbling, leaks, and temperature fluctuations.  Usually at the worst possible moment one or the other of these objects will suddenly cut loose and clatter and bang down inside the wall. Yeah, that'll make you pee yourself.

11.  Do non-Victorian Era toys change locations unexpectedly?  You have children.

12.  Does your baby laugh and giggle as though it were interacting with someone, but nobody is there?   You have a baby.   Babies do weird shit.

13.  Do you see mysterious figures outside at night which seem to gaze intently at your house as though they were waiting?  These are unsupervised boys, and you have a teenage daughter.

14.  Do you hear whispering, voices, screaming or growling that nobody else hears?  You have schizophrenia.

15.  Are you possessed by an evil entity? No you are not.  You are mentally ill.  The right  combination of therapy and drugs make this shit stop dead, pun intended.  Note:  If you have fugue states during which you barf up lobsters and speak grammatically correct Latin?  Now we call Father McGillicuddy and grab a tarp.

16.  Do you look out the window at night and upon occasion see a nasty fucked-up face mashed up against the other side of the glass going GUUUUUUUUUH UK BLUH PBBBBTH?  My Advice:  No matter what the explanation, the memory alone will ruin your homeowner experience at that address forever.  Pack and move.

Don't forget to remember to tune in in a couple days for the final installment of the 'Dealing With The Supernatural' series!!  I'll be covering issues like non-stick cookware, herpes zoster and the deadly consequences of stuff that is deadly!

Sunday, January 1, 2017

What To Do If You Ignored My Advice  Like A Dipshit
And Now Find Yourself Living With Unwanted Guests    
1. Was the house built in the Victorian Era?

2.  Have you found a Victorian Era doll anywhere on the property, particularly if it was under the attic floorboards, or worse - inside the wall?
My advice:   DO NOT KEEP IT.  It is not a charming relic of yesterday.  It is home to a homicidal demon!  Did you touch it?  OH GOD GO WASH YOUR HANDS IN RUBBING ALCOHOL!!! AW CRAP!!  RUN GO GET THE LAWNMOWER GAS CAN!!! OH SHIT!! OH FUCK!!  KILL IT WITH FIRE AND PUT IT OUT WITH HOLY WATER!!!

3.  Have you found a Victorian-Era picture of a porcelain doll under the attic floorboards? Or parts of one? Or a Victorian Era dolls' shoes, or clothes, or furniture, or anything having to do with a Victorian Era doll?  Worst of all, have you come across a portrait of a child holding a Victorian Era doll?  GAH!!! See  #1.

4.  Did a Victorian-Era child younger than ten years old die mysteriously in the house? Victorian-Era dead children go from mischievous to aggressively creepy really fast. A generic 'go toward the light' exorcism usually gets them to move on.

5.  Do you see transparent figures that speak, hiss, growl, have eyes, touch you or drip blood?
My Advice:  Reciprocate by utilizing the Kerosene and a Match solution.

6.  Did a woman from the Victorian Era die mysteriously in the house?
My Advice:  Unless you enjoy the prospect of seeing her transparent form on the stairs, sobbing in the basement,  looking out the second-story window, at the foot of your bed every night, or bugging your toddler, MOVE NOW.
     Note:  Some dead Victorian-Era women are amenable to a 'go toward the light' type exorcism.  Do not call in a priest.  If the wraith in question was not Catholic in life, the exorcism will only piss her off. This is never good.

7.  Did a nice yet reclusive Victorian Era farmer die in the house?  No worries.
7a. Did a mean farmer from the Victorian Era live as a recluse in the house until he passed?
My Advice:  Even in the absence of phenomena, you have a ghost, and he is still mean, and you will soon have phenomena.  That's just how it works.  Mean Victorian-Era farmer-recluses are also the source of sudden, inexplicable, well-defined areas of hot monkey butt aromas, as they probably were in life come to think of it.  A stern, non-denominational exorcism is occasionally effective. Fire is more effective.

8. Did a mean, reclusive farmer from the Victorian Era die in the house only to be found months or even years later?
My Advice:  Go to the gas station and fill an appropriate container with kerosene, pour it liberally about the structure, and toss in a lit match.  Victorian-era mean farmers that died and didn't get found for awhile cannot be reasoned with and cannot be exorcised.  They can only be cleansed from this our mortal realm with flame.
Note on mean Victorian Era farmers:  If the dead gentleman in question can be proven beyond any doubt to have been Catholic in life, devout or no, he can be permanently expelled by a mega-hardcore, big guns Catholic exorcism.  Mean Irish Priests are particularly effective officiants.  
9. Have you found statues, relief decorations, dolls, old newspapers, photographs or paintings with gouged-out eyes?   My Advice:  These are not creepy things that you keep to show to people how fucked up your judgment is to be living in a house made of pure evil.  See #6.  The sooner the better with this kind of demented shit.

10.  Have you found ineradicable evidence on your floor of multiple, evenly-spaced candles having been placed in a circle?
My Advice:  Hold an 'exorcism lite' and then put a rug over the spot.

11. Was the wax red or black?
HOLY FUCKBALLS you have been infested with demons from the moment you signed the deed.  These are the 'float up off the bed, head spinning around, vomiting blenders' type demon. They dig in like ticks and will follow you from house to house playing this shit until you get a straight-up standard Catholic exorcism.  Yes it has to be Catholic.  It generally isn't a very pretty process.  Lay down a tarp first.

12.  Have you found a puzzling amount of salt all over the place, oil stains in the shape of crosses over all the doorways, hearths and windows, crucifixes nailed in unlikely places (like over the foundation vents or behind the washing machine)?  Although these can be gateway objects for demonic shit, sometimes all they are is evidence that an exorcism took place and was successful.  My Advice:   Leave this stuff the fuck alone.  Don't touch it.  Not even with a sock over your hand or a long stick or a Swiffer Sweeper.  Wait for signs of haunting.  If you experience signs of haunting, then act as in #11.

...and yes, I really have walked into an empty house where all this shit was present.

13. Do you own lots of dolls and display them proudly?
My advice:  Out they go AT ONCE.    Burning is strongly advised.
Please grab a clue. Dolls are icky. Even though your friends tell you how cute they are, none of them like your dolls. Nobody human wants to walk into a home and find themselves surrounded in every room by haystacks of cobwebby frou-frou  from which 456,000 little shiny eyeballs are glaring.  Furthermore, all of your friends think you have some kind of an emotional issue  because you choose to decorate with dollies.  Please; are you six?
-And remember:  dolls are the #1 preferred dwelling place for ghosts and demons.  Particularly if the dolls in question are from the Victorian Era.

14. Strangely, taxidermy are immune to supernatural habitation. Yes I am using taxidermy as a collective noun.  There's nothing you can do about it. I think it's because taxidermy are just creepy from the get-go.  In past times it was de rigueur to greet guests with a hearty "Here, Aloysius, do let me show you my collection of embalmed animals posed in a lifelike manner!" But not any more. Dried frogs dressed like mariachis or mice in period dress serving tea are not creepy.  They are awesome.

15.  Are you a devout Catholic with all the trimmings displayed prominently and en masse?   Cut your collection down to a plain crucifix and maybe a tasteful statue of Mary stomping on a snake.  You do not need a holy water stoup in the bathroom.  (and yes, I've seen this.)  A whole gang of Catholic trappings can become a portal to hell in an instant.  If you aren't haunted, you will be soon.  Don't court trouble.

16.  Has a cryptic object appeared from nowhere in a very prominent place, like the middle of your bed, and you don't have a cat and it isn't a hairball?  Don't touch it.  Drape a couple squares of toilet paper over the object in question and then pick it up with a spatula and sling it across the street into the neighbors yard.  It works with slugs; it'll work with a tarnished silver pig penis with Latin inscriptions all over it.

17.  Do Victorian-Era toys mysteriously change locations?  
My Advice:  It doesn't matter if you found them and kept them, or bought them off EBay; either way you brought this on yourself.  Your ass is so haunted.  See my advice about child ghosts at #3. and also review #1, particularly if the toys in question start bleeding or speaking.

Can't move out right away?

18.  Take the closet doors off in all the bedrooms. The Supernatural just loves to dick around with doors in general and bedroom closet doors in particular. If this is too much trouble, at least WD40 the hinges so that when a closet door does open in the middle of the night, the phenomena is robbed of it's signature scary creaking;  thus you stand a 50/50 chance of sleeping through the whole 'terrifying thing in the closet' scenario, although experts agree you still only stand a 25% chance of sleeping through a full-on nocturnal door slamming episode.

19.  Never leave an unattended glass filled with liquid in the kitchen. The supernatural cannot resist the urge to backhand glasses full of liquid left sitting in the kitchen.

20.  Baby-lock all the cabinet and appliance doors in the kitchen.  The supernatural likes slamming doors in the kitchen as much as it likes slinging glasses of water and slamming closet doors.

21.  Have you been silently beckoned by a ghostly figure?
My Advice:  Go ahead.  Go right ahead and follow a ghostly figure who knows where and end up impaled on a hay rake, ya dipshit.  Go ahead.  Seriously, though, you don't want to see whatever it is.  Really.  You don't.

22.  Victorian Era house:  Do you have a basement door? Remove the doorknob.  Stuff the hole with paper towels or a cork. Use a hasp lock on the outside of the door when the basement is not in use. Keep the key with you at all times. When you go downstairs, carry the lock and key in your hand. Do not set them down.  Just do it.  Even if there's nothing weird happening.  Just take my word for it.

23.  Hear someone screaming in torment every night up in the attic/basement/garage/outbuilding/back bedroom?  Don't go see what it is, and definitely do not open any goddamn doors.  If it is in the same room as you are?  Well shit.  All you can do is save up your dimes and nickles until you can afford to move and in the meantime stock up on adult diapers or maybe sleep in another room.

20.  Find a hidden cavity in the wall just big enough to stick your hand in?  Yeah.  You go ahead and do that and see what you pull back.  Situations like this are why Baby Jesus invented the long stick, doofus.

21.  Do you feel as though a Victorian-era trunk you've found in the house or an outbuilding holds a great secret?  Do not open it.  Take the fucker to the dump immediately. I can tell you what's in it. A dessicated infant.  It's always a dessicated infant.  Or a canary wrapped in a handkerchief.

22.  Hear someone in the dirt-floored basement calling your name and  you are alone in the house?  Make sure the lock is secure and ignore that shit.  The certain way to let a horrifying psychotic killer demon into your life is to open the goddamn basement door when you hear shit down there while you're alone in the house.

23.  Electrical objects turning themselves on all by themselves? You may have a poltergeist, in which case make all the people you live with who are going through puberty live with someone else until their butt hair comes in.  (Even if you are not experiencing any untoward phenomena you should probably do this anyway.) For safetys' sake, unplug any miscreant appliances or power tools, but take the chainsaw and leave that in the middle of the living room floor.  If you have just realized you have a poltergeist, think of how it will totally screw with the carrier-adolescent if they see a chainsaw in the middle of the floor one night and it suddenly turns itself on.  Serves the little bastard right!

24.  Does thumping, knocking and banging seem to happen outdoors and indoors, frequently, at all hours, and without cause? You have an untethered poltergeist.  But guess what? You can make this stop.  Turn up the hip hop and ignore your neighbors' complaints.  Poltergeists hate anything recorded after 1951, including musicals and Sing Along With Mitch.

Puttering about the yard:

1. Have you found a 'Crown of Thorns' bush?  Dig it up and burn it.  Crown of Thorn bushes are just....louche.

2. Have you found a doll burial or burials?  Stab them onto a pitchfork and huck them into the neighbors' yard.

2. Have you found a grave, or even a small graveyard on the property?  Leave it the fuck alone. I mean stand right up the instant you figure out what you've got and start piling leaves over it.  And brush.  Maybe put a derelict car on top.  Put up a fence on the side facing your house and pretend that it's the property line.  Never look in that direction at night.

2. Have you found unusual items in an existing tool shed, like crucifixes drawn all over the walls or a trocar?  Kerosene and a match.  Now.

....and yes, I have walked onto a property where one of the outbuildings was covered from floor to ceiling with crucifixes.

3. Dig up a recently buried corpse?
My Advice:  Notify the authorities.  Spontaneous vomiting, loss of consciousness and panic urination are OK. Move.

4.  Digging up skeletonized human remains?
My Advice:  Notify the authorities.  Sudden wooziness or total loss of consciousness and panic urination are OK. Move.

5.  Dig up a human skull?
My Advice:  Keep it.  Skulls are cool. Panic urination is OK as long as it is minimal. You have a 50/50 chance of sparking off a haunting by choosing to keep the skull, but if it were me I'd say it was a fair price to pay to have an actual human skull that you dug up. Clean thoroughly, then use it as a centerpiece on Thanksgiving.  Explain to your guests that it symbolizes how thankful we all should be to have the gift of life.  Try to make this sound as plausible as possible.

6.  Dig up multiple human skulls?
My advice:  Piss yourself forthwith, shit up your drawers, have a total mental breakdown on the spot and get somebody else to contact the authorities.  Then move.

7.  Chop down any scary trees that touch the house.  You can be certain that somebody either hung themselves from that tree or dropped house pets down inside the hollow trunk or something fucked up along those lines.   Burn the wood OUTSIDE, not in your fireplace.


  I hope you are learning from these helpful hints.  At the very least, what you should take away from this is please get rid of your skanky embarrassing doll collection that smells like old pancakes and grease.  This will make everyones life better.