Thursday, January 12, 2017

HOW TO DEAL WITH THE SUPERNATURAL, PART  B   

Have  you been worried by the following?  
FirstNations will clear that shit up like salicylic acid.

1.  Do you believe that you have been (supernaturally) cursed?
-No, you haven't.

2.  Do you visit fortune tellers?
-You're a credulous moron, aren't you.

3.  Are Ouija Boards for real?
-Absolutely.

4. While driving through the woods one night I saw Bigfoot.
-No, you didn't.  You saw a bear. A bear, a bear, a bear. A.  Bear.

5. While eating dirt in the woods one night I heard Bigfoot.
-No, you didn't.  You heard an elk.  If you do not live in elk country, it was a hobo.
  
6. Is the Tarot real?
-Absolutely.  

7.  Is astrology real?
-Fuck no; are you kidding, hippie?    No.

8. Is telepathy real?
-No.  Sadly.

9. What about geomancy?  I paid good money to have my house feng shui'd.
- You can just steep in that for awhile you sad crystal-gazing doofus...you did what?

10.  Clairaudience? Distant viewing? ESP in general?
-No.

11.  Are ghosts real?
-No.  Probably.

12.  What about demons.
-Absolutely no.  Probably.

13.  Psychic vampires?
-Only 12-year-old girls believe in psychic vampires.

14.  I am a psychic vampire.  
-No, you're a 12-year-old girl.

15.  Are any vampires real?
-No.

16.  But what about the vampires living in Forks, Washington?
 -Shit, what about the werewolves living in Forks, Washington?  You hardly ever hear about them.  They are all Native American and ruggedly handsome.    

17.  Can people have visions of the future?
-No.

18.  Can people have visions of the past?
-Yes.  This is commonly known as 'memory'.

19.  I know somebody who was bit by a werewolf and can change into a werewolf.
-Answer a question for me...do werewolves do it doggie style?  It seems like they would.  

21.  My great uncle was one of the guys who helped open King Tuts' tomb and he died of a cobra bite six months later.  Was this an example of The Curse Of Tuts' Tomb at work?
-No. It is an example of why you shouldn't dick with cobras.

22.  My great grandfather attended the first public showing of the Hope Diamond and died six months later of septicemia.  Was this an example of  
-No. 

23.  I keep finding dead chickens and goat blood on my front porch every morning.  Should I worry?
-I'm not seeing the problem here.

24. Satan worshippers are everywhere and they can cast spells and do other magic things.
-Satan worshippers are everywhere, and they think they can cast spells and do other magic things.     
25.  I hear cows at night.
-I do too.

26.  My cousin totally saw the Jersey Devil.
-I'm so sorry.

27.  My other cousin totally saw the Bunnyman eating a dead guy near Bunnyman Bridge.
-I bet this cousin is married to your cousin who totally saw the Jersey Devil, huh.

28.  My grandma's mobile home is haunted by a little girl who giggles at night.
-No, your grandmother giggles at night because after grandpa died she took a much younger lover.  Sorry to break it to you like this.  I know it's awkward.

29. In a former life I was    
-No.

30.  The Band KISS were    
-NO.

31.  Led Zeppelin   
-NO.   -wait, yes.  That and the shark thing.  

32.  Can you really fish out of your bedroom window at the Edgewater Inn?  
-Not anymore you can't.  Guess why.

33.  I live in an old Victorian Era house and   
-Yes. 

34.  Are there such things as aliens and UFO's?
-Absolutely without a doubt.  

35.  Seriously?  Aliens and UFO's are real?
-No. I was messing with you. What you're seeing is the planet Venus, or perhaps a patch of luminous swamp gas. 

34.  I  saw a UFO land in the graveyard so my boyfriend and I snuck in and nine months later I had a funny looking baby.  How did this happen?
-Ball lightening.

35.  My cat died but one night I felt it jump up on the bed.  
-Wrong.  It was a hobo.


Questions?  Comments?  Let me know.   I'll give your input my sincere attention and do my best to help with your stupid fucked up issues.  Thanks for reading!



1 comment:

Navy Mama said...

What about spoon-bending?
Cthulhu?