What To Do If You Ignored My Advice Like A Dipshit
And Now Find Yourself Living With Unwanted Guests
2. Have you found a Victorian Era doll anywhere on the property, particularly if it was under the attic floorboards, or worse - inside the wall?
My advice: DO NOT KEEP IT. It is not a charming relic of yesterday. It is home to a homicidal demon! Did you touch it? OH GOD GO WASH YOUR HANDS IN RUBBING ALCOHOL!!! AW CRAP!! RUN GO GET THE LAWNMOWER GAS CAN!!! OH SHIT!! OH FUCK!! KILL IT WITH FIRE AND PUT IT OUT WITH HOLY WATER!!!
3. Have you found a Victorian-Era picture of a porcelain doll under the attic floorboards? Or parts of one? Or a Victorian Era dolls' shoes, or clothes, or furniture, or anything having to do with a Victorian Era doll? Worst of all, have you come across a portrait of a child holding a Victorian Era doll? GAH!!! See #1.
4. Did a Victorian-Era child younger than ten years old die mysteriously in the house? Victorian-Era dead children go from mischievous to aggressively creepy really fast. A generic 'go toward the light' exorcism usually gets them to move on.
5. Do you see transparent figures that speak, hiss, growl, have eyes, touch you or drip blood?
My Advice: Reciprocate by utilizing the Kerosene and a Match solution.
6. Did a woman from the Victorian Era die mysteriously in the house?
My Advice: Unless you enjoy the prospect of seeing her transparent form on the stairs, sobbing in the basement, looking out the second-story window, at the foot of your bed every night, or bugging your toddler, MOVE NOW.
Note: Some dead Victorian-Era women are amenable to a 'go toward the light' type exorcism. Do not call in a priest. If the wraith in question was not Catholic in life, the exorcism will only piss her off. This is never good.
7. Did a nice yet reclusive Victorian Era farmer die in the house? No worries.
7a. Did a mean farmer from the Victorian Era live as a recluse in the house until he passed?
My Advice: Even in the absence of phenomena, you have a ghost, and he is still mean, and you will soon have phenomena. That's just how it works. Mean Victorian-Era farmer-recluses are also the source of sudden, inexplicable, well-defined areas of hot monkey butt aromas, as they probably were in life come to think of it. A stern, non-denominational exorcism is occasionally effective. Fire is more effective.
8. Did a mean, reclusive farmer from the Victorian Era die in the house only to be found months or even years later?
My Advice: Go to the gas station and fill an appropriate container with kerosene, pour it liberally about the structure, and toss in a lit match. Victorian-era mean farmers that died and didn't get found for awhile cannot be reasoned with and cannot be exorcised. They can only be cleansed from this our mortal realm with flame.
Note on mean Victorian Era farmers: If the dead gentleman in question can be proven beyond any doubt to have been Catholic in life, devout or no, he can be permanently expelled by a mega-hardcore, big guns Catholic exorcism. Mean Irish Priests are particularly effective officiants.9. Have you found statues, relief decorations, dolls, old newspapers, photographs or paintings with gouged-out eyes? My Advice: These are not creepy things that you keep to show to people how fucked up your judgment is to be living in a house made of pure evil. See #6. The sooner the better with this kind of demented shit.
10. Have you found ineradicable evidence on your floor of multiple, evenly-spaced candles having been placed in a circle?
My Advice: Hold an 'exorcism lite' and then put a rug over the spot.
11. Was the wax red or black?
HOLY FUCKBALLS you have been infested with demons from the moment you signed the deed. These are the 'float up off the bed, head spinning around, vomiting blenders' type demon. They dig in like ticks and will follow you from house to house playing this shit until you get a straight-up standard Catholic exorcism. Yes it has to be Catholic. It generally isn't a very pretty process. Lay down a tarp first.
12. Have you found a puzzling amount of salt all over the place, oil stains in the shape of crosses over all the doorways, hearths and windows, crucifixes nailed in unlikely places (like over the foundation vents or behind the washing machine)? Although these can be gateway objects for demonic shit, sometimes all they are is evidence that an exorcism took place and was successful. My Advice: Leave this stuff the fuck alone. Don't touch it. Not even with a sock over your hand or a long stick or a Swiffer Sweeper. Wait for signs of haunting. If you experience signs of haunting, then act as in #11.
...and yes, I really have walked into an empty house where all this shit was present.
13. Do you own lots of dolls and display them proudly?
My advice: Out they go AT ONCE. Burning is strongly advised.
Please grab a clue. Dolls are icky. Even though your friends tell you how cute they are, none of them like your dolls. Nobody human wants to walk into a home and find themselves surrounded in every room by haystacks of cobwebby frou-frou from which 456,000 little shiny eyeballs are glaring. Furthermore, all of your friends think you have some kind of an emotional issue because you choose to decorate with dollies. Please; are you six?
-And remember: dolls are the #1 preferred dwelling place for ghosts and demons. Particularly if the dolls in question are from the Victorian Era.
14. Strangely, taxidermy are immune to supernatural habitation. Yes I am using taxidermy as a collective noun. There's nothing you can do about it. I think it's because taxidermy are just creepy from the get-go. In past times it was de rigueur to greet guests with a hearty "Here, Aloysius, do let me show you my collection of embalmed animals posed in a lifelike manner!" But not any more. Dried frogs dressed like mariachis or mice in period dress serving tea are not creepy. They are awesome.
15. Are you a devout Catholic with all the trimmings displayed prominently and en masse? Cut your collection down to a plain crucifix and maybe a tasteful statue of Mary stomping on a snake. You do not need a holy water stoup in the bathroom. (and yes, I've seen this.) A whole gang of Catholic trappings can become a portal to hell in an instant. If you aren't haunted, you will be soon. Don't court trouble.
16. Has a cryptic object appeared from nowhere in a very prominent place, like the middle of your bed, and you don't have a cat and it isn't a hairball? Don't touch it. Drape a couple squares of toilet paper over the object in question and then pick it up with a spatula and sling it across the street into the neighbors yard. It works with slugs; it'll work with a tarnished silver pig penis with Latin inscriptions all over it.
17. Do Victorian-Era toys mysteriously change locations?
My Advice: It doesn't matter if you found them and kept them, or bought them off EBay; either way you brought this on yourself. Your ass is so haunted. See my advice about child ghosts at #3. and also review #1, particularly if the toys in question start bleeding or speaking.
Can't move out right away?
18. Take the closet doors off in all the bedrooms. The Supernatural just loves to dick around with doors in general and bedroom closet doors in particular. If this is too much trouble, at least WD40 the hinges so that when a closet door does open in the middle of the night, the phenomena is robbed of it's signature scary creaking; thus you stand a 50/50 chance of sleeping through the whole 'terrifying thing in the closet' scenario, although experts agree you still only stand a 25% chance of sleeping through a full-on nocturnal door slamming episode.
19. Never leave an unattended glass filled with liquid in the kitchen. The supernatural cannot resist the urge to backhand glasses full of liquid left sitting in the kitchen.
20. Baby-lock all the cabinet and appliance doors in the kitchen. The supernatural likes slamming doors in the kitchen as much as it likes slinging glasses of water and slamming closet doors.
21. Have you been silently beckoned by a ghostly figure?
My Advice: Go ahead. Go right ahead and follow a ghostly figure who knows where and end up impaled on a hay rake, ya dipshit. Go ahead. Seriously, though, you don't want to see whatever it is. Really. You don't.
22. Victorian Era house: Do you have a basement door? Remove the doorknob. Stuff the hole with paper towels or a cork. Use a hasp lock on the outside of the door when the basement is not in use. Keep the key with you at all times. When you go downstairs, carry the lock and key in your hand. Do not set them down. Just do it. Even if there's nothing weird happening. Just take my word for it.
23. Hear someone screaming in torment every night up in the attic/basement/garage/outbuilding/back bedroom? Don't go see what it is, and definitely do not open any goddamn doors. If it is in the same room as you are? Well shit. All you can do is save up your dimes and nickles until you can afford to move and in the meantime stock up on adult diapers or maybe sleep in another room.
20. Find a hidden cavity in the wall just big enough to stick your hand in? Yeah. You go ahead and do that and see what you pull back. Situations like this are why Baby Jesus invented the long stick, doofus.
21. Do you feel as though a Victorian-era trunk you've found in the house or an outbuilding holds a great secret? Do not open it. Take the fucker to the dump immediately. I can tell you what's in it. A dessicated infant. It's always a dessicated infant. Or a canary wrapped in a handkerchief.
22. Hear someone in the dirt-floored basement calling your name and you are alone in the house? Make sure the lock is secure and ignore that shit. The certain way to let a horrifying psychotic killer demon into your life is to open the goddamn basement door when you hear shit down there while you're alone in the house.
23. Electrical objects turning themselves on all by themselves? You may have a poltergeist, in which case make all the people you live with who are going through puberty live with someone else until their butt hair comes in. (Even if you are not experiencing any untoward phenomena you should probably do this anyway.) For safetys' sake, unplug any miscreant appliances or power tools, but take the chainsaw and leave that in the middle of the living room floor. If you have just realized you have a poltergeist, think of how it will totally screw with the carrier-adolescent if they see a chainsaw in the middle of the floor one night and it suddenly turns itself on. Serves the little bastard right!
24. Does thumping, knocking and banging seem to happen outdoors and indoors, frequently, at all hours, and without cause? You have an untethered poltergeist. But guess what? You can make this stop. Turn up the hip hop and ignore your neighbors' complaints. Poltergeists hate anything recorded after 1951, including musicals and Sing Along With Mitch.Puttering about the yard:
1. Have you found a 'Crown of Thorns' bush? Dig it up and burn it. Crown of Thorn bushes are just....louche.
2. Have you found a doll burial or burials? Stab them onto a pitchfork and huck them into the neighbors' yard.
2. Have you found a grave, or even a small graveyard on the property? Leave it the fuck alone. I mean stand right up the instant you figure out what you've got and start piling leaves over it. And brush. Maybe put a derelict car on top. Put up a fence on the side facing your house and pretend that it's the property line. Never look in that direction at night.
2. Have you found unusual items in an existing tool shed, like crucifixes drawn all over the walls or a trocar? Kerosene and a match. Now.
....and yes, I have walked onto a property where one of the outbuildings was covered from floor to ceiling with crucifixes.
3. Dig up a recently buried corpse?
My Advice: Notify the authorities. Spontaneous vomiting, loss of consciousness and panic urination are OK. Move.
4. Digging up skeletonized human remains?
My Advice: Notify the authorities. Sudden wooziness or total loss of consciousness and panic urination are OK. Move.
5. Dig up a human skull?
My Advice: Keep it. Skulls are cool. Panic urination is OK as long as it is minimal. You have a 50/50 chance of sparking off a haunting by choosing to keep the skull, but if it were me I'd say it was a fair price to pay to have an actual human skull that you dug up. Clean thoroughly, then use it as a centerpiece on Thanksgiving. Explain to your guests that it symbolizes how thankful we all should be to have the gift of life. Try to make this sound as plausible as possible.
6. Dig up multiple human skulls?
My advice: Piss yourself forthwith, shit up your drawers, have a total mental breakdown on the spot and get somebody else to contact the authorities. Then move.
7. Chop down any scary trees that touch the house. You can be certain that somebody either hung themselves from that tree or dropped house pets down inside the hollow trunk or something fucked up along those lines. Burn the wood OUTSIDE, not in your fireplace.
I hope you are learning from these helpful hints. At the very least, what you should take away from this is please get rid of your skanky embarrassing doll collection that smells like old pancakes and grease. This will make everyones life better.