"You know what?" I said to myself just this afternoon, "It's time to have a Virtual Luncheon Buffet, dammit."
OOH! Let's do!
__________________________________
Let's start with drinks. Oh waiter!
A round of drinks for everyone! And don't spare the horses!
Or whatever I mean! I don't know!
________________________________________
A New Leaf, 1971
Here, from Mogen Davids' "Menus for every Mood", is their nod to Neil Simons' backhanded tribute:
DIGRESSION: Now let's pay a nostalgic visit to Mogen Davids' line of products c. 1976
King of the screwtop wines, lowest in price, highest in glycerine, sugar and alcohol content, this was the tipple of the under-bridge dweller. Overtly. Proudly. So obviously so that Mogen David products were temporarily banned from stores in the downtown Portland area in the early 1980's. Because that fixed homelessness. I mean it did, right? In downtown Portland Oregon, right?
Or here. Tip back a glass of
Or how about a little home-made....
Or maybe some
Fine fine fine now let's hit the buffet!
First Up: THE CHOW MEIN TABLE
!!!YAY CHOW MEIN!!!!
Chinese as fuck!
I can almost feel the exotic trade winds blowing in from, I dunno...like, an island or something.
OH FUCK YEAH TUNAFISH. Nothing spells 'China' like whatever this is!
Best for last! Have some
Super like eat a bowl of fucTHIS, this, and you'll be speaking Mandarin in no time!
FINE FINE FINE it's not chop suey it's chow mein. Or wait no it's chop suey. WHATEVER I MEAN. Does it matter? They're both Chinese.
Except no.
No they are not.
Oh waiter!
...dang, son.
OK you can go. Never mind. We're fine here.
No seriously we are.
__________________
Everybody grab a fresh plate! Step up for some lovely salads!
DON'T FORGET THE SUGAR!!!!!
And don't forget to seal it with mayonnaise - OVERNIGHT!
Go on, cremate that spinach! Add some damn ketchup!
AND DON'T FORGET THE QUARTER CUP OF SUGAR SENOR!!
Because everyone wants a plate of hot lettuce! Everyone!
AND DON'T FUCKIN' FORGET THAT SUGAR!!!!!$!!
___________________________
MMMM! Didn't that suck? Well of course it did!
Oh waiter!
Bacon grease and sugar doesn't seem to be agreeing with our guests. Bring out some regular salad dressing,
por favor.
(Foreign people love it when you speak to them in their language like this.)
Oh yes. Mineral oil. Guess where you'll be sitting in twenty minutes? Begins with a
...if the bacon grease doesn't get you first.
Note: this was A Real Thing beginning in the 1920's. It was called 'Dietary Dressing', and it was understood that it was meant to make the diner shit meals that their grandparents had eaten about 45 minutes after having partaken. Serious as a heart attack.
______________________________
Sadly, we come to an end to our soiree.
But et voila!
ONE LAST TABLE!!!!!!!
Do help yourself to some wacky amuse bouche el canapes!
(The more French you use the cooler it makes you sound. You don't even have to know what it means. Nobody else does either.)
Grab a bowl and a spoon and get ready for some
Where's the cheese? Only in the title. Tell you what, I won't remind the chef if you don't.
Or how about some
Makes the mouth water, doesn't it? And just imagine how this smells on day 2!
And whatever the fuck this is:
And don't forget to gently, yet insinuatingly, grab a couple
MMMM! Chalk up the cane and grab your ankles!
NOW AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU CAME? OF COURSE YOU ARE! AND LOOK AT YOU NOW! YOU'RE DOG DRUNK AND YOU SMELL LIKE MAYONNAISE!
_____________________
My work here is done.
