I am a genius and if you've ever doubted that stop it this instant. I just figured out how to cure fungus gnats in houseplants without resorting to chemical means or using a vaccuum cleaner. How did I achieve this miracle?
I found some little house spiders - the kind that make the tiny little webs along the baseboards and in corners? - and re-homed them to my plants. Two days later the Biker and I are noticing a distinct lack of gnats flapping around. A week later and I found two little spider middens in my plant tower, full of little gnatty corpses.
Am I worried that the spiders will get fat and huge and start preying on dogs? No. We don't have a dog.
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Where have I been.
I have been to St. Lukes Imaging Center, where I was stuffed into an MRI machine. This made me feel kind of like a sausage. They were terribly concerned with my head for some reason (I went in for spinal problems) and so they out my head into a plastic cage - thingie, which was not as unpleasant as it sounds. I had a mirror contraption so I could see the in and out of the MRI chamber and be reassured that I was not being digested by modern science, and that was nice. I also had a little breeze blowing in there, which I found odd but not at all unpleasant. The scanner-bed slid me back and forth like a pizza at unannounced intervals, which made me yip. At one point I felt as though I was slowly being brought up to the boiling point, and I almost bailed. Apparently the MRI waves heat up the iron in your blood.
No shit. That's what they told me. It did not make me feel better. It made me feel like I'd pissed off Magneto.
Turns out I have spinal stenosis. Whaddya gonna do.
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I wrote some other stuff here about the Epstein Files and me wanting to go live in a fucking barrel, like Diogenes, only without Diogenes hope in finding an honest man. Wow, look at me all referring to Diogenes and shit! But I decided not to put that vibe out there. I will, however, reiterate my closing declaration:
It's time we fucking RISE.
