Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Medical Examiner Dr. Qin

You cannot change channels on your television using a phone.*

I keep trying, and it keeps not working.

One of these days, though, it won't work and I'll forget to give a shit.  Until someone figures out that I finally succumbed to Altzheimers and it's not just one of my usual days, I'll have a nice, long conversation with the charming characters on the Cartoon Network.  And I'll learn valuable lessons too. Like today, for example.  Today I learned that the cartoon Stephen Universe is basically about space lesbians teaching a hippie kid how to fight other space lesbians.

Does anybody get this channel? Has anyone else seen this cartoon series?  Am I the only one to notice this?  It's like when Aerosmith sang 'Walk This Way' during the Superbowl and nobody in America except me realized that it's a song about eating pussy and cousin humping.

I have no problems with space lesbians. I think space lesbians awesome.  But the artists are reeeeealy pushing the envelope.  For example, in one episode, when we went into the heart of the Temple, that wasn't a heart we saw...the Gems were using a poetic euphemism for what was clearly a uterus blooping away overhead with a discreet vagina tucked back amidst all the tubes it was attached to.

Also tacit is the fact that Stephens father  (Gregg Universe) and mother (Rose Quartz) were not married when lil' Stephen was conceived.  Hell, they weren't even from the same planet.  So that's two for two - Stephen is the product of unmarried interplanetary miscegenation.

The Crystal Gems allied with Stephen are Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst.  They are extraordinarily violent, do not sit like ladies,  and live in a huge stone temple with a postmodern beach house built in it's lap.  There is also a pink lion, but I never have been entirely sure of it's role...mostly they use it as a closet, or as a passage into other realities, sort of like the coat closet to Narnia, only a lion.

The reason the Gems are here is that they are protecting the earth from Homeworld, where Diamond-grade alien women rule and all the lesser gem women do all the shit work.  Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst (and Rose Quartz, before she dissolved to become half of Stephen) are all that stand between us and annihilation by some extremely pumped, holier-than-thou space bitches with superior technology.

The lesser Gems are able to fight back, though.  They possess the ability to fuse into beings much stronger than the sum of their parts. Some episodes when this happens there's lots of explosions and violence, which I am all for. Most of the time, though, Fusions occur in episodes that are just weird for weirds' sake, which I am all for.

For example, whenever Garnet, a tall woman with square hair, undergoes an unusually traumatic event, she divides into two separate women...Ruby and Sapphire, whom upon reunion straight up get to suckin' serious face with each other before they re-fuse in order to form Garnet again.  Stephen himself, a half earth - half alien boy, is able to fuse with his best friend Connie, an Earth girl.  When this happens, he/they turn(s) into an adult woman with a pretty decent rack.

I could go through and nitpick all the Easter eggs and 'gotta be an adult to get it' details I've caught while watching this show, but what we need to bear in mind here is that I spend entirely too much time watching Cartoon Network.

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*Likewise, you cannot make phone calls on your remote.





3 comments:

Vicus Scurra said...

If you find that shit hard to believe, wait until you tune into the news. Gonna blast your bloomers off.

galeann said...

Sadly I do not get the Cartoon Network. I feel I am missing quite a bit.

Z said...

What? As a child, I was devoted to cartoons, but my favourite was Huckleberry Hound. Don't think there was anything like this there.