Monday, August 13, 2018

How to not garden like a dumbshit 3

You have come to the best part of gardening.  Kick back.  Read this, get relaxed, sink in.  This is


I am going to assume that you did all the gardening things up to this point and ignored the Catholicism references.  And probably the Star Trek references.

That would be a mistake.  A space vegetable could crop up in your garden and if you weren't up on your TOS it could climb up your butthole and take over your mind.  Alien vegetables will do shit like that!  Be on the alert!  Nobody wants an alien plant rambling around in their brain!

Luckily 99.9999 of plants will be from Earth.

Your garden bed is ready. It is spring, April or May.  It has lain over the winter getting good.  It is waiting for plants. You have raked in some more finished* compost.  Now is the time to start thinking.

ANNUAL plants only live one year.  If you are a renter, you might want to go this route.  It can get pricey, so I am going to recommend a Frankenannual, a genetically manipulated ornamental garden plant that will give you untold bang for the buck:  The Wave Petunia.  Three of these will cover an area the size of a kiddie pool and keep on going until a hard freeze.  Yes.  The hippie plant freak likes Wave Petunias.  Bite me.  They're environmentally safe, they make oxygen, they're pretty.

But what kind of soil ph, sun exposure and climate does the Wave Petunia want?  How to make it show to it's best advantage?


And go to numerous sites, too.  Use search terms like 'what I hate about Wave Petunias' and 'Problems with Wave Petunias' and 'Best Way To Grow Wave Petunias'.  You will learn a lot more honest information about a plant if you look up it's downside first. 

Don't get out your monks robes and light a candle and sit up on a tall stool at a tall desk with a quill and ink and study this in isolation and celibacy for weeks; just skim.  You'll get the gist of it.  I can say that Wave Petunias like loose, high-humus soil in full sun with a little afternoon shade, and protection from the wind. You should also lift up the plant mat, every so often, like checking under the covers, and remove any slugs you might find there. Throw the slug into your neighbors yard.

How to plant:

Prepare the hole first. Dig it, dump in some water.

Next:  take off all the open blossoms. Just clip them off.

 Dump out the plant in a shady place and shake the root-ball gently.  Work your fingers gently through the potting soil and thin roots way to the center stem, being very gentle, trying not to tear the roots, spreading it all out.  A few will tear, but it won't matter if most of them are still attached to the plant.

When you make to to the stem:  If this area is all tangled around itself tightly like spaghetti, try and loosen it up by working at it gently with your fingers. If you can't get the roots to unwind, get a nail scissors and cut a couple of these big roots. Leave them there, don't try to untangle them, they won't hurt anything.  This will not hurt or kill the plant as long as you don't cut through the MAIN STEM.  Remember:  this is an annual.  It is DRIVEN TO LIVE.


Take this whole handful of mess and put it in the hole, spread out like a pie.  Put back the the dirt, covering all the roots, thoroughly and gently.  Pat it gently all around so the soil makes good contact with the roots. Don't wham on it or stomp it, just patty-pat it like you patty-pat a baby.

A Wave Petunia wants to be planted with the leaves right laying on the ground like a carpet, all spread out. Make it so. Then water it, all around the roots and on the leaves with a gentle spray, or better yet, with a watering can that has a sprinkler on the spout.  Get it nice and wet. Don't blast it with a hard stream, just let the water fall like rain.  The planting area will kind of sink in.  This is fine.  A good 5 or 6 seconds should do it.

That's it.

Walk away.  It will do the rest.  Ignore it.  Call it names.  It won't care.  It will just pump out blossoms across a large area, blithely unaware of your abuse and neglect.

Did you take my word for that?  Don't be a dipshit.  LOOK IT UP.  What kind of soil does the Wave Petunia like?  What Ph?  What sun/shade exposure?  How often do you water?  Does it want a little extra feeding around midsummer or so?


Now let's say you actually own a home.  Well done, Trump era survivor!

One of the easiest PERENNIAL PLANTS  to grow is the German Iris.  Also known as Grandmas' Iris and Fleur de Lis Iris.  This is the plant you've seen a million times, it's leaves starting straight up like short-bladed swords from the root, which lies like a creepy gnarled potato halfway above the soil.  The leaves are of a bluish cast and remain very bold and upright even after the blossom finishes.

This flower comes in a million different colors.  It's been bred for so many years by so many people that you can choose whatever crazy combination of beard, uprights, fall and uprights (look it up!) your heart desires. It's nuts!  People collect them!  They're incredibly easy and friendly lil' guys.

Now, you've been good and done your studying.  You know your soil type, you know what conditions the German Iris requires. Most importantly, you have looked at how German Irises grow, which is at a right angle to the root.

 Ok. Now.   Scratch a shallow area, making the soil in the declivity nice and loose.  Sprinkle some water in. Plop in the iris, with its soil and rootlets opened up and spread out - there will be smaller roots coming off the big main ones.  So. Plop goes the iris.  Sprinkle soil back over the iris.  Don't bury the thing all the way over the root.  NO. 

Just sprinkle some soil on, and then water, and then sprinkle a little more and cover a little more, until there is a little bit of the big root showing above ground and it will stand up by itself.  If it won't stand up by itself, prop it up with sticks.

 Another solution is to pile pea gravel on it to make it stand up.  The roots will eventually push their way above it, and in the meantime they'll be getting the air and light they seem to want.

Let's say you want to get all fancy.  This is your first garden bed, but you want to push the envelope!  Strive for greatness! Good for you!  That's the gardening spirit! (Or the Holy Spirit. I'm as lost as you are in the whole Catholicism analogy stuff.)

Pick out a German Iris and a Wave Petunia in complimentary colors, remembering that the leaves of the iris will outlast its blooms, and stand for the rest of the growing season to make a bold, bluish fan shape. 

Your iris will bloom in May.  Each single blossom will last for 2 or 3 days, but other buds will come out of sheathes on the stem and so you'll get blooms for about a month.  Keep the wilted blooms cleaned off - you just pick them off.  Why?  Because I fucking said so.  Enjoy watching the fat bumblebees wriggle and jiggle their way in to get at the nectar, and come out all dusty with pollen and fly off in a little cloud of gold dust.

And there you go. Around mid to late May your Wave Petunia will start ramping up and going nuts.  And there you have it:  A a nice little arrangement for next to the front door or wherever, and unless a human or a dog directly pees on it all, it will live with minimal care.

You have a garden!

*Finished compost? Huh?  LOOK IT UP ONLINE.



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