Thursday, December 9, 2021

I Am Still Here

 I would have gone for the 'I Am Alive!' gambit but I'm writing this on my phone, and I can barely manage as it is in this tiny format.

Well, we are still moving in to our new apartment, and I cannot express how incredibly convenient our location is!  While still being wooded!  And scenic!  Or as scenic as the Wood Hood gets.

Yup, we went with the Wood Hood apartment.  Turns out the old cess pit has gentrified some.  Our building is very secure, very modern, and the landlord is fantastic.

Tell ya what, I am liking all this 21st century doings.  The whole place stays warm, for starters.  I don't have to huddle in the front room by the gas heater and pray for summer.  And this whole notion of energy efficiency and the roof not leaking is the cat's tits!  All six of them!  CATS HAVE SIX TITS AND ALL OF THEM ARE AWESOME!!!!

The Biker found a $500 work beater, and it's great. The only problem is that it has km instead of miles on the speedometer, and a bitch does not know metric.  I am a Murrican.  I don't need to know metric.  That's what they told us on sixth grade. We didn't need to know metric OR geography, because Murricans.  We only needed to memorize all the counties in our state and then it was off to play sports!  Because sports are important!  Like cat tits!

Anyway, this makes the thing problematic for me to drive, because it's so much more easy to leadfoot the gas when the speedo is telling you that your happy ass is moving at a tremendous rate of speed.  Driving is a competition sport, as we all know, or at least as far as I'm concerned because I never learned geography.  And I'm determined to win, for the cats.

I BREAK THE SPEED LIMITS FOR THE CATS.   

Imagine that you are a cat-ess and all you have are four tits.  Now imagine all the baby cats out there fighting like Marines every meal time because their mothers have no thumbs and can't spoon feed them, or even hold a bottle of vodka to numb the pain?  Insufficient nipplage is no joke if you're a mommy cat, and baby cats don't know metric because they don't speak English as far as anyone knows.  And that's why I must break the speed limit. I have thumbs.  I use them.  To drive.  And I use all my other assorted fingerage too.  You can take that to the bank, Paco.  








8 comments:

Ms Scarlet said...

I'm jealous of your 6 tits apartment! I am sitting her swathed in woollens in a drafty old house praying for summer.
Sx

Jon said...

Yay! Another phrase I am going to have to try and wend into conversation - "Insufficient nipplage"!

Congratulations on your new home and your confusing Eurozone-oriented vehicle. The UK "went metric" in 1971 when it joined the (then) EEC (now thankfully we've departed that mess again), and yet my mind still works in pounds and ounces, feet, miles and, of course, inches... Jx

Bohemian said...

Insufficient nipplage, I too may have to borrow that phrase. Congrats on moving to a now gentrified part of Da Hood that you like living in. I still Love Historic Homes, even tho' they aren't the Cat's Tits when it comes to Modern Conveniences. Now that I'm living in a completely remodeled Vintage 1980's Home on a Mini Farm tho', I must confess it is better than a Modern Build in Subdivision Hell and a lot less of a hardship than living in a 100+ Year Old Home that wasn't Restored and deep in Da Hood where things were rough and quite the Human Sideshow. I'm glad you are settling in nicely, if my vehicle were European I doubt I'd know what speed I was going at all... and aren't the steering wheels on the wrong side?

The Mistress said...

Glad to hear the good news. If it's any consolation, I'm Canadian but still haven't mastered the metric system which has been in place for YEARS.

63mago said...

Your 60 miles equals roughly 100 km/h, or if you need to be 25 mph slow inner village your speedo should show 40 km/h.

ProximaBlue said...

Cats are tough, indeed! The Km will be awkward at first, but you'll get the hang of it! My brain always has a short panic attack every time I cross into Canada. Some cars are so convenient they have both listed, but we work with what we got, be it six tits or four.

savannah said...

I'm happy you have a warm, dry home, sweetpea. xoxox

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Hooray for warm homes (sorry, Ms Scarlet), thumbs, and cat tits!

P.S. I would have thought that great speed is essential in America as everywhere is just so far away from everywhere else, so surely one needs a heavy foot in order to get anywhere before the day is out?