Side Effects

 The thing is, I suddenly have a case of nerve entrapment in my right leg.  It BLOWS.  Imagine having a really bad sunburn.  OK.  Now imagine that same sensation, only inside your muscle tissue.  That is the jolly, wacky fun of Nerve Entrapment.

I'm like 'The fuck.'  Where did I even get this from? I'm special and this is some undeserved bullshit.'

Anyway, they gave me Gabapentin for it.

Not necessarily relevant to this story.    

Now Gabapentin is just fine.  It works - always a good thing - and it mellows you out - always a good thing.  But when you start out, the stuff hits your system BOOM and you literally reel, like in actual circle, which is something I always thought was a figure of speech. 

It is not.

Gabapentin, when you first start taking it, has no mercy.  Ten minutes in, your legs just fail you in mid-step, and you need to grab for a pool boy and steady yourself.  And this is a novel sensation.  It's not at all unpleasant.  It's just that you can't chuck a Gabapentin down and then go sit behind the wheel of a car and drive. Or do much of anything, like use the stove, or a chair, unless you've planned out your handholds and angle of attack beforehand, just in case you go full Jello-mode. Fortunately, these spells pass quickly, but damn.  

So that's where I've been. Deal with it.

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THIS GUY HAS A DOOR IN HIS ASS 

This man has a door in his ass.    

I tried to run the inscription around the rim of this plate though Google Translate but all I come up with is "Because of that through my sack a lot of gelt com I crept up der om worde ick van al de wellt int called" which tells us nothing. 

"I had gold, his butt was open - inside I crawled, and now it's croakin'?"

That's what I want it to say.

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Oh lord.  So I was at WinCo, which is basically Wal-Mart for groceries.  Winco is where all the funny-looking people shop, and so I am among my peers, sporting my armadillo t-shirt and yoga pants, doing my shopping, humming a little tune.    

 I'm in the produce section bagging up my raw parsley and cilantro and wheeling off to go find the green onions when a small girl comes up to me and says 'Excuse me.  That's our basket.'

Yeah.  I grabbed some poor woman's cart full of tamarind and mangoes and plantain and kohlrabi and yams, dude, and completely failed to notice that fact.  

Instead of grabbing the handle and scuttling off, cackling in glee, I apologized and gave the woman back her produce.  Now that I have the advantage of hindsight, I should have done the former.  It would have been more fun than apologizing.  I would have had kohlrabi, too.

Get me some kohlrabi my good man and make sure it has a pleasant expression on its face.    

That kind of thing is happening way too often lately.  I'm getting eccentric whether I like it or not. I prefer to be in charge of my personal eccentricity.  Now I have eccentricity thrust upon me.  

Hooray.  

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I NEED TO GO DO SOME CRIMES

I just do.  Think of some for me.