"You know what?" I said to myself just this afternoon, "It's time to have a Virtual Luncheon Buffet, dammit."
OOH! Let's do!
__________________________________
Let's start with drinks. Oh waiter!
A round of drinks for everyone! And don't spare the horses!
Or whatever I mean! I don't know!
________________________________________
A New Leaf, 1971
Here, from Mogen Davids' "Menus for every Mood", is their nod to Elaine Mays' backhanded tribute:
DIGRESSION: Now let's pay a nostalgic visit to Mogen Davids' line of products c. 1976
King of the screwtop wines, lowest in price, highest in glycerine, sugar and alcohol content, this was the tipple of the under-bridge dweller. Overtly. Proudly. So obviously so that Mogen David products were temporarily banned from stores in the downtown Portland area in the early 1980's. Because that fixed homelessness. I mean it did, right? In downtown Portland Oregon, right?
Or here. Tip back a glass of
Or how about a little home-made....
Or maybe some
Now let's hit the buffet!
First Up: THE CHOW MEIN TABLE
!!!YAY CHOW MEIN!!!!
Chinese as fuck!
I can almost feel the exotic trade winds blowing in from, I dunno...like, an island or something.
OH FUCK YEAH TUNAFISH. Nothing spells 'China' like canned tuna!
Best for last! Have some
Super like eat a bowl of this, and you'll be speaking Mandarin in no time.
FINE FINE FINE it's not chop suey it's chow mein. Or wait no it's chop suey. WHATEVER I MEAN. Does it matter? They're both Chinese.
Except no.
No they are not.
Oh waiter!
...dang, son.
OK you can go. Never mind. We're fine here.
No seriously we are.
__________________
Everybody grab a fresh plate! Step up for some lovely salads!
DON'T FORGET THE SUGAR!!!!!
And don't forget to seal it with mayonnaise - OVERNIGHT!
Go on, cremate that spinach! Add some damn ketchup!
AND DON'T FORGET THE QUARTER CUP OF SUGAR SENOR!!
Because everyone wants a plate of hot lettuce! Everyone!
AND DON'T FUCKIN' FORGET THAT SUGAR!!!!
___________________________
MMMM! Didn't that suck?
Yes. It did.
Oh waiter!
Bacon grease and sugar doesn't seem to be agreeing with our guests. Bring out some regular salad dressing,
por favor.
(Foreign people love it when you speak to them in their language like this.)
Oh yes. Mineral oil. Guess where you'll be sitting in twenty minutes? Begins with a
...if the bacon grease doesn't get you first.
Note: this was A Real Thing beginning in the 1920's. It was called 'Dietary Dressing', and it was understood that it was meant to make the diner shit meals that their grandparents had eaten about 45 minutes after having partaken. Serious as a heart attack.
______________________________
Sadly, we come to the end to our soiree.
But et voila!
ONE LAST TABLE!!!!!!!
Do help yourself to some wacky amuse bouche el canapes!
(The more French you use the cooler it makes you sound. You don't even have to know what it means. Nobody else does either.)
Grab an unregistered hand gun and get ready for some
Where's the cheese? Only in the title. Tell you what, I won't remind the chef if you don't.
Or how about some
Makes the mouth water, doesn't it? And just imagine how this smells on day 2!
And whatever this shit is:
And don't forget to gently, yet insinuatingly, grab a couple
MMMM! Chalk up the cane and grab your ankles!
NOW AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU CAME? OF COURSE YOU ARE! AND LOOK AT YOU NOW! YOU'RE DOG DRUNK AND YOU SMELL LIKE MAYONNAISE!
_____________________
My work here is done.
Table for two, please, waiter!!
ReplyDeleteBut, seriously - what the fuck?! Why are these people so proud of the utter abominations they shovel into their gullets that they add their name? Vile...
Jx
I know, I know. But no matter what, it was food, the Great Depression had scarred a whole generation, and whatever got put in front of you, you had to choke down. Or ELSE.
DeleteMy mom took part in the 'Friendship Cake' craze back in the late 1960s and my God, the whole house stunk like GARBAGE for two months with that crap burbling away on the counter. Even the Bikers' mom fell for it! And then you had to eat a slice of the fucking cake 'to be nice' and honestly THE HORROR.
Oh, we in the UK had similar. World War II - rationing, improvisation in food recipes (and abhorrent results), the lot! I very much doubt that anyone would want to revisit the likes of powdered egg, "Parsnips Gratin", "Mock Duck", corned beef with cabbage or "Eggless Sponge"... Jx
Deletenooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
DeleteOh my mum said anything with powdered egg was vile. I've had it in scrambled egg and she wasn't wrong.
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile, I'm gagging at the idea of Albumen Water - so I didn't get far without feeling ill! Imagine having it to wash down the hot lettuce salad. Ugh.
Sx
Omg that is the worst combination, your imagination is Lovecraftian. I remember being in the kitchen when a tin of powdered eggs was opened; it smelled like sulphur and violence. YAK.
DeleteOMG the sheer horror of it all.
ReplyDeleteObviously I have been down countless Google wormhole looking up some of this stuff like Mineral oil. It's liquid petroleum jelly WTF. Tea Cakes made out of what looks like a batter mix better used for 'Toad in the Hole' washed down with egg whites whisked up in water. As for the Friendship cake least said the better.
At least the Chinese food looked authentic. I can now speak Mandarin just from reading the recipes.
There! You see what you can learn here at Steve?? Now you can order off of TEMU more efficiently, or do Chinese things, or, you know. Stuff. Duìbùqǐ.
DeleteI clicked that Mogen David link and can confirm that MD 20/20 was a staple of High School underage drinking in 1980s/90s North Norfolk (and probably other locales).
ReplyDeleteLearning about MD almost took my mind off the horror of Albumen Water. Almost.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to gather up all the sugar beets around here that the tractors have dropped and go into business making liquor!
Don't forget to give the lees to the bunnies! Get'em nice and fat and purple and beety and then WAHOO BEET BUNNY HASENPHEFFER BABY
DeleteTo prevent us from experimenting with sneaking MD 20/20 as underaged delinquents, my Dad, the Master Chef, would bring Fine Wines Home and say he would serve it to us with any Meal. Ergo, my Brother and I never actually drank... coz, Fine Wines are actually not that attractive to the Juvenile Palate. *Ha ha ha* He wanted us to be deterred from Alcohol coz he was Indigenous and Tribal folks have not done well with the Fire Water, but, he knew, being Kids, we'd be otherwise tempted.
DeleteYoun had great parents. My parents brought me up on Oly.
DeleteHello Steve,
ReplyDeleteNever did bacon grease sound so attractive or, perhaps, Bisquick, for that delicious je ne sais pas in a muffin. Where did you find all this delicious food and drink that has been hiding from us?
Whilst we, on this side of the ocean have been sampling lettuce salad with, yes, you guessed it, just lettuce, you clearly have been wallowing in the deliciousness of everything by Mogen David. Oh...the American Dream....:):)
I have collected American cookbooks since about 1978, and through my hands have gone hundreds of recipes best termed 'food atrocities', things born of poverty, necessity, tin tastebuds, and moral obligation ( because food is fuel. It is not for enjoying. If food is delicious, you are committing the sin of gluttony. THAT'S HOW I WAS RAISED.) I'm just wending my way through food history, cooking the good stuff, getting chubby, and trying to understand wtf was going on in the mind of the person who came up with sauerkraut chop suey. I mean seriously wtf.
DeleteI was just about to put on a pan to do a spaghetti dish for lunch. ...Maybe a cold shower first, in case Mogen germs are in the air.
ReplyDeleteGood choice. One never knows....
DeleteThese Vintage Recipes are always hilarious and to think there were Cookbooks full of these outrageous Culinary experiments that some Mad Alchemist in the Kitchen Dreamed Up!!! I was so fortunate, that during this actual Era, my Dad was an actual Master Chef and we never had any of this shit the Culinary Challenged might have thought was real food. *LOL* Whew!!!
ReplyDeleteYou have no idea how I ENVY you that, Boho. I had a mom doing constant penance - and she made us do it right along with her via the pressure cooker!
DeleteI once overheard my mother saying she likes to sprinkle sugar on her lettuce, I didn't like to ask in case it was a euphemism.
ReplyDeleteBeing a vegetarian I had high hopes for the sauerkraut chop suey until I read it had meat in it, I could always use pan fried paneer as an alternative I don't mind lard, I'm northern, it will pair wonderfully with the albumen water.
LARD AND ALBUMEN WATER. By any chance are your family of German descent?
DeleteNo German rellies but I do enjoy German Christmas markets. I shouldn't really call myself a vegetarian, I'm a non-meat eater because I have a fondness for midget gem and lard.
Delete