Wednesday, December 3, 2025

Welcome To Whatever This Is!

"You know what?" I said to myself just this afternoon, "It's time to have a Virtual Luncheon Buffet, dammit."

OOH!  Let's do!
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                                                      Let's start with drinks. Oh waiter!


A round of drinks for everyone!  And don't spare the horses! 
Or whatever I mean! I don't know!
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    'May I ask you something? Have you ever tasted Mogen David's   Extra heavy Malaga wine with soda and lime juice?'       

A New Leaf, 1971


Here, from Mogen Davids' "Menus for every Mood", is their nod to Elaine Mays' backhanded tribute:


DIGRESSION:  Now let's pay a nostalgic visit to Mogen Davids' line of products c. 1976

King of the screwtop wines, lowest in price, highest in glycerine, sugar and alcohol content, this was the tipple of the under-bridge dweller. Overtly. Proudly. So obviously so that Mogen David products were temporarily banned from stores in the downtown Portland area in the early 1980's. Because that fixed homelessness.  I mean it did, right? In downtown Portland Oregon, right?


Or here. Tip back a glass of


Or  how about a little home-made....


Or maybe some




Now let's hit the buffet!

First Up:  THE CHOW MEIN TABLE

                                              !!!YAY CHOW MEIN!!!!

Chinese as fuck!

I can almost feel the exotic trade winds blowing in from, I dunno...like, an island or something.




OH FUCK YEAH TUNAFISH. Nothing spells 'China' like canned tuna!


Best for last! Have some


Super like eat a bowl of this, and you'll be speaking Mandarin in no time.


FINE FINE FINE it's not chop suey it's chow mein. Or wait no it's chop suey. WHATEVER I MEAN. Does it matter?  They're both Chinese.

Except no. 
No they are not. 


Oh waiter!
...dang, son.  
OK you can go. Never mind. We're fine here.
No seriously we are.
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Everybody grab a fresh plate! Step up for some lovely salads!

DON'T FORGET THE SUGAR!!!!! 
And don't forget to seal it with mayonnaise - OVERNIGHT!


Go on, cremate that spinach! Add some damn ketchup!  
AND DON'T FORGET THE QUARTER CUP OF SUGAR SENOR!! 


Because everyone wants a plate of hot lettuce! Everyone!
AND DON'T FUCKIN' FORGET THAT SUGAR!!!!
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MMMM! Didn't that suck?  
Yes. It did.

Oh waiter!


Bacon grease and sugar doesn't seem to be agreeing with our guests.  Bring out some regular salad dressing, por favor.
(Foreign people love it when you speak to them in their language like this.)


Oh yes. Mineral oil. Guess where you'll be sitting in twenty minutes?  Begins with a


...if the bacon grease doesn't get you first.

Note:  this was A Real Thing beginning in the 1920's. It was called 'Dietary Dressing', and it was understood that it was meant to make the diner shit meals that their grandparents had eaten about 45 minutes after having partaken. Serious as a heart attack.
                                                     ______________________________ 



Sadly, we come to the end to our soiree. 
But et voila!  

ONE LAST TABLE!!!!!!!

Do help yourself to some wacky amuse bouche el canapes! 
(The more French you use the cooler it makes you sound. You don't even have to know what it means. Nobody else does either.)


Grab an unregistered hand gun and get ready for some

Where's the cheese?  Only in the title. Tell you what, I won't remind the chef if you don't.


Or how about some

Makes the mouth water, doesn't it?  And just imagine how this smells on day 2!


And whatever this shit is:




And don't forget to gently, yet insinuatingly, grab a couple
MMMM! Chalk up the cane and grab your ankles!




NOW AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU CAME?  OF COURSE YOU ARE!  AND LOOK AT YOU  NOW!  YOU'RE DOG DRUNK AND  YOU SMELL LIKE MAYONNAISE! 
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My work here is done.

Saturday, November 29, 2025

Well Enough of That

 Well kids, I have been dealing with some medical bullshit, and so, in classic FirstNations fashion, I have withdrawn.  Which, let me hasten to say, avails me NOTHING WHATSOEVER. It's just a reflexive thing I do.  It's like when you step on a slug and it curls up into itself, and all it's guts squit out. 

I just went to my first official Dr.'s appointment here in Idaho - Social Security? check, new insurance? check - and as I sat there telling the woman what was currently ailing me, I was astonished at what I'd been putting up with for the past eight months or so, listening to  myself put it all out there. I mean, shit. I'm a wreck.

I am informed that what I'm going through is a mild form of PTSD occasioned by our move (and our move was fifteen times more horrible than I've let on in these hyar posts.) I fully believe her. It's not all stress, though - I get to go have an MRI! HUZZAH! because apparently my back is exploding or crumbling or turning into mush or something. 

Getting this news did nothing to lower my stress level.

It's nice to know that there's a non-disease reason for the sudden downturn, though; and God knows I've gone through PTSD before, so I can beat this no sweat.  Like what I'm doing right now, which is  reaching out, instead of curling up and shitting my intestines. To return to the slug analogy.

________________________________

LADIES: can you stick your tits into regular ordinary socks?  Like, slip one right in there like a beer cozy?  

_____________________________________

Our upstairsies have mostly quieted down. It took an in-person visit from The Biker himself, though. 

                                                   probably not him, but you can't be sure now can you.


This is not a man you want showing up mad at your door.

It seems to have worked.

___________________________

I have a few ideas for upcoming posts.

1. I Have A Box of Knox Plain Gelatin. Dare Me To Use It.

Try and seduce me with gelatin recipes from days gone by (send links ffs.) I'll pick one and make it - including full color photographic documentation of said process.  

Oh wait. '...including full color photographic documentation of said process!!!!' 


2. This one is a secret.


3. Send FirstNations on a quest!

Pick out a location twenty miles from Fruitland, Idaho and send me there to take pictures and provide sarcastic commentary which I will then post here! 



Wednesday, November 19, 2025

Sleep Deprivation And The Ozzy Solution

 We just can't catch a break.  Once again, we have noisy upstairs neighbors. 


Both of them work nights. Both of them are in their early twenties, in their first apartment, in their first serious relationship. Neither of them seem to have any real idea that we can hear every word of every fight, every video game, every party and every session of hot donkey sex.  They entertain visitors starting at 11:pm - noisy, drunk visitors - and they all squash into the little room right above my bedroom and spend hours there, hotboxing, falling down, coughing, throwing game controllers at the walls and PISSING ME OFF. Apparently that little room is the only room with a WiFi access, and Junior can't be bothered to run wires up to the front of the building where their huge living room and spacious balcony are. NOOOOOOOO. THAT WOULD B E PRACTICAL. WE MUST GATHER IN THE TINY ROOM AND VAPE AND AND SAY 'FUCK' EVERY OTHER WORD LIKE (profane, meth-addled) AUCTONEERS.

Honestly, last night? it sounded like they had a giraffe upstairs last night, and it was pregnant, and it was pacing up and down the hallway, stopping only to deliver a calf from a height of six feet KA-THUD on the floor RIGHT OVER MY HEAD AT 1:AM IN THE MORNING.  It continued doing this shit until 4:am. Every ten fucking minutes BAM. KAWUMPATHUMP. BAM. 

This has to be a giraffe record. 

Now, previously, I had gone upstairs to request gently that they keep the noise down and move their escapades to the front of the building where they cannot be heard. 

I visited at 3:am.  And you figure, seeing a tousled old lady at your door at 3:am would be enough to drive home the fact that one's ass has been WAY TOO FUCKING LOUD, but apparently it did not.

And so this morning at 4:am, the Biker set his JBL's up underneath their bedroom, facing the ceiling, adjusted the bass to Ragnarok, and cranked the Black Sabbath.

They'd just gone to bed.

We hope this served as an object lesson.  

If not, we have PRIMUS.


                      AND WE KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

Monday, November 17, 2025

4 Pictures

 I might be late to the game, but I can Four Picture with the best of them:

A wonderful old embroidery piece, from a kit, c.1912 - 1923?  It measures 20 by 20.
I got it for a buck at a garage sale recently.


A lovely old Knights of Pythias temple in Weiser, Idaho. This picture does no justice to the place.  Someday I'm going to take the tour, and you bet I'll be snapping away!








A nice shot of the Snake river, taken from one of the multitudes of old bridges that cross it.  Upon the railing of this bridge someone left their regrets...

I would love to meet this woman and find out all about her failed romance with Louis.  I have this whole scene in mind where she's seventeen and has snuck out one night to stand here looking at the water, smoking a purloined cigarette, thinking about Louis....

...that's three and a half.



Yes, it's a real coffin! 

Seen at a recent outlaw car meet in Ontario, Oregon.  Out here, hot rodders are seriously shady characters, not just old fat retired dudes zipping around on motorized barstools. We thought we could just rock on in, oh look, hon! Let's go check it out! but man, we got some serious stinkeye.  Too bad. We played the old people card and limped around and took it all in. Man, the open carry going on, people. BIG guns. Guys with one ass cheek hanging out because that hand cannon was pulling down the sag. Not butts you'd want to see, either. Yikes.

Well there that is. I'm gonna go count Republicans now.


Saturday, November 1, 2025

EXPOSED: Stuff

 


Well I finally went and did it.  Here are my cookbook favorites, and things I bought because they were cool.  I'm sorry if you came here expecting whatever you were expecting, but no. This isn't that kind of place. 


OK fine it is that kind of place but still.


COOKSBOOKS, PEOPLE.   Talkin' bout cookbooks.  My cookbooks.  There should be a little something to please everybody!



All right, settle down.
We all knew that was going to happen. You did, I did, and yes, it did happen. 
OK. Now for cookbooks.



                                 SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111 hahahahahahaa!


What?  It's Halloween! See, and that's ^^^ scary, right?  Ha ha! Oh my!
OK it was Halloween a couple of days ago.

OK fine fine fine cookbooks.

Fine.


   Whenever I am really interested in something, I like to have one central reference book, something well-organized and well-researched, that opens the door to the whole subject. Joy has been my core reference since 1979. It has never let me down.  
The Joy of Cooking isn't just recipes, it's an introductory course as well- I learned the basics from this book.  I doubt that one in fifty people ever give this the reading it deserves. 
I own the 1976 edition.  I also own a 1945 edition, and the differences between the two are incredibly interesting. 
If you're me.    

Two have gone on before, used to rags. This is my third copy.  I've got decades of weirdness saved in the pages

...including this picture of a butt that my grandson drew.

The Art of Italian Cooking
My first Italian cookbook (1975?) and one that I still use.

This is the first recipe I ever made out of it, and it is the only ravioli recipe you'll ever need.





Of course I have the Alice B. Toklas cookbook. 
Of course I've made the 'Hashish Fudge'.
Tell you what, that shit is tasty, too.
It'll fuck you up.

  The ABTC is more than a collection of recipes, though.  It's the story of how life was in pre-WWII France, what home was like, and friends, and survival.  Plus you get 'take no prisoners' - level recipes.  Do please give it a read. It is wonderful!
-oh and lets get it straight for the last time - she didn't make pot brownies. She made HASHISH FUDGE. Damn kids and their jungle music.  



Got Escoffier.  
The whole tone of this book is one of absolute authority.  I found that offputting, but I soldiered onward. I'm glad I took the trouble:


  

  These three paragraphs on stock ^^^ changed the way I cook. I've spent hours and hours of my life perfecting this one basic thing, using the information and techniques here, and it's been one of the most worthwhile things I've ever learned in my life.  
I have made a few of the sauces, the terrines and pate's, and also the chicken galantine, which is SO AWESOME.  It is not easy. I seldom come close. But I LEARN SO MUCH. This whole book is absolute, solid gold.  Get a copy. Or you can read it online at the Internet Archive.
Go. Do it.   
Now.
   


I love my Larousse!
Excellent rainy day reading. Just let it fall open to any page and settle in. Ahh!
"... and if you're not careful you might learn something!" 
-not said in Bill Cosby's voice at all.


You can learn how to deal with weird fish!

You can check out what your ancestors did to amuse themselves!



NATURALLY. 
OF COURSE. 


The thing people don't understand about Mastering The Art Of French Cooking is that these books are simplicity itself. Clear as a bell, easy to understand, pictures, diagrams, all that. If it were still 1965 I would not hesitate to give these to a new bride (of the auld American bridal stripe - dumb as a bag of hammers, never been near a kitchen, was playing with Barbies the morning of the ceremony.)
Of course the word 'French' is frightening all on it's own to most Americans 
           OH MY GOD NO SAUTEEING HOW IS THAT PRONOUNCED NO GOD RUN EEK
and I think that's why more people don't turn to these when they look for a good basic cookbook. 
Yes! Julia! These are good, basic cookbooks!  So what if the woman uses a lot of French words?  She explains them! Go on, give her a chance!  


                                                    

                                                        You gotta figure, they cook in space.


But no, you cannot see inside.  It's CLASSIFIED.



This is arguably the most important cooking collection I have:  It was owned by my father-in-law, The Playboy of the Western World, and it is the work of his lifetime.



   The Bikers' father was a professional chef for, shit...40 years, I think. This box of recipes was originally his grandmothers. She died and passed it to her daughter, who added to it, and passed it to her son, the Playboy, who added to it and passed it to his son, my husband.  The Playboy had a Master's degree in food biology but he never took a cooking class in his life.  His mother taught him how to cook when he was a little kid out on the farm, on a wood-fired stove.
Imagine that.
The contents of this little box supported his family, paid for his bills, his house, his cars, his worldwide travels and etc., and made him a famous and respected man in his corner of the world, in his time.   






Now this I had to own. 
No I do not use it. 
I own it. 
OMG look at it. You want it too. You know what I mean.
 
   Whu-haaaaaaay back in the day, my aunt Winnie had a rooty-toot, no expense spared Westinghouse kitchen c.1940, and I mean top of the line chrome and enamel and style and all.  Seriously, check out that link. It has a picture of that very kitchen. Anyway, this is the cookbook that they gave you with the installation, and isn't it a honey!  It's in a polished aluminum case!  It had its own little nook by the stove, too! I remember her making sugar cookies with this lying open on the table.  So when it came up online, SWOOPABUNGA I nabbed the sapsucker.        



IT IS SO TUFF OMG.



                                                    

That Super Chicken cookbook? Also one of my first cookbooks c1976.  Just something off the 'impulse purchase' rack by the checkstand in a Thriftways supermarket.  It has a recipe for vermouth chicken that I cannot live without. 



Not just one, but TWO, PEOPLE, TWO Iona Blender cookbooks, just because I can.  
(You get it?  Iona = I Own A?  Huh?  Huh?)

Yes, I bought the blender, and so now IONA-BLENDER too.  
But it was busted ass, so the Biker turned it into a lamp for me, and

I do.




Tell you what, it IS fun to fondue!  Just not with the fondue set on the cover. 
 Now with the cold weather setting in, this book is out ready to be used, and I'm planning on fon-doing a pot the first day it snows!  YUM.



Now the cover of this one is hard to make out. See it more clearly here: linkie
It is the foot of a duck.
It is The Web-Foot Cookbook. Yes indeedy.
-well it's a facsimile copy. Fine.


I only got this one recently, after having lusted for it for literal decades.  It claims to be the first cookbook published in Portland, Oregon, back in the days of jackleg races, bicycle girls, shanghai tunnels and cheap household labor.  All the leading ladies of the day contributed. You can practically hear their voices as you read. You feel kind of sorry for their servants too. Some of this stuff had to be murder to make in the days before electricity and refrigeration.





Indiana Herbs the Herb Doctor and Medicine Man.
 
Not a cookbook, strictly speaking, although it gives recipes for all kinds of concoctions.
I've owned this little booklet for-freakin'-ever and I love it.  This is a catalogue that was sent primarily to doctors and pharmacists, small enough to carry in your pocket.  

    You could buy herbs in bulk for dying, manufacturing, cooking, for remedies, for veterinary purposes, and for...OTHER...purposes. 
Ahem. 
Cough.    


    .....I'm talking about getting high, and 'easing the torment of the terminally ill' and abortifacients and syphillis 'cures' and shit like that. Geeze, catch up.    



OK here is my guilty secret.
  

How to know if someone grew up on the West Coast during the 1960s:
Do they have a copy of Hi Protein Meatless Health Recipes falling to pieces on their shelf?  If yes, then pull up a bowl of lentils and I don't know where I was going with that thought. 
Sit in it? Sure.


Paul Bragg was... well, here we go, in his own words:


   Yes, well.  
And he was sincere in the beginning, I do believe. But then he got famous, and moved to Hawaii, and stopped giving much of a fuck.
But nobody cared.  Somehow along the way he had managed to hook into the West Coast Counterculture group mind and stick there like a paisley amyloid plaque. This cookbook was being passed around everywhere for a few years. I saw it in waiting rooms. I saw it in the library on the 'free' table.  People were leaving it in public places like a religious tract. 
I think half the reason he garnered so much credibility is the fact that the line of products he was pushing were, and still are, really, really good .*   

Here is a little gem from it's pages:

Folks, he means a quesadilla.
OMG SO ADORABLE SQUEEEEEEEE
Until you read

...this nonsense,

...which lets you know that by this time he was pretty firmly in the pocket of Big Grocery, far from his idealistic roots in the early physical culture scene and all it's attendant woo. 

The first couple of years after I moved out, this is how I ate. Strictly, mind. This is how 3/4 of Portland was eating, too.  And in fact this is how I prefer to eat to this day, wonderful big heaps of glorious, glorious produce, baby, only with bacon and fried chicken because I'm not an idiot. 


OK WOW that was fun, right?  Yes it was! And now you know all about my favorite cookbooks, or at least most of my favorite cookbooks.  I left out a few because this was getting long.  

I hope you're happy.  I feel pretty good about it. 









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*Braggs Liquid Aminos - that's him.  Well not now, he's dead and Katy Perry owns the company. And I guess the apple cider vinegars taste different now.