Fifty Mushroom Detail Dance - Electric!

 Shit: together. Happy, fat and sassy. Hot biker husband still hot, husbandly and bikerlike. 

Former Sumas property?  SOLD.  Made money. Paid in full.  Then the Feds changed all the building regulations for Sumas. Now the poor dude who bought the place can't develop it.

FIMA money?  Funny you should ask. 

Garden?  What was not given away has been looted, and I am 100% OK with that.  

House and property? It's been almost a year since I last drove past the place, and not a single thing had been touched, repaired, hauled away or cleaned.  The city had an 'upkeep notice' posted in the yard.  No longer my problem.

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Get ready for a lot of ellipses and dashes.

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In Washington State, it is absolutely legal to purchase, grow and carry around marijuana. Has been since 2013. 

I have a retail outlet I like and frequent.  It's located in an old drive-thru coffee hut, and I adore the whole concept.  From 'Three seeds in your purse = seven years in jail' to 'Hi! My name is Cleome, I'll be your budstress today! May I take your order?'  (And yes, budstress is a real term. 'Budtender' is the male version.  I know.)   

 I buy a couple of pre-rolls every month or so because I'm a cheap date. It doesn't take much to get me roasted. These days you can just name your preference - mine is indica, locally grown - and off I go,  and I buy me two fat swaggy cones for 1970's prices. Life is GOOD in my old age.  I no longer have to visit vile freaky houses in the middle of the night and freeze my ass off in the rain waiting for a baggie to be handed out through the fuckin' cat door.

Now, because I came of pot-smoking age in the 1970's, I save my roaches. I remember the Great Marijuana Drought of 1976.  The government sprayed crops willy-nilly, from Alaska to Mexico, rumors of paraquat and genocide abounded, paranoia spread throughout the land, and all you could find was $25.00 a 1/4 Mexican Dirtweed,  or homegrown - which was not kolas, kids. It was shade foliage and stems. For $25.00 a 1/4.  That's $114.71 goddamn dollars in 2023 US cash. So yeah, you saved your roaches.

So here I am in the future with a buttload of roaches.

I go online to look up new methods of using roaches, trying to stay up to date and all, maybe learn some new technique, and what do I find? CHEMISTRY EXPERIMENTS.  All this shit using butane and sub-zero freezing equipment and lab ethanol and honestly, after three pages of this, and reading numerous comments on forums that went 'Ew yuck! Just throw them away! Ew!  Nasty! They're useless! Gross! Barf!' and so forth, I had to back off and have a beer.

I'm assuming some of you are being frugal and saving your roaches too.  And it's possible that I am preaching to the choir. In case I am not though, no no no. No yuck. No throwing away of roaches.

No no no no no.

You take those roaches, cut them into tiny shreds with a scissors and you soak all that in FUCKING VODKA.  I mean Good Gravy Marie people, this is not rocket surgery.  If some sad child o' the Eighties is going to get squicky about the flavor, NUT UP.  This is not meant to be snorked and slurped and gazed at thoughtfully or rolled around in the mouth like a fine wine you MORON.  Listen to Grandma. You pound this. Boom. Down the hatch. We caught up?  OK.

What follows is an unnecessarily detailed recipe. 

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Don't throw away your roaches. Instead, make

Tincture of Roach

1 pint - Cheapest Vodka (or any high-test hard alcohol) you can find, in bottle, with lid

All -  your roaches, rendered into little pieces with lots of surface area via whatever means

Instructions:

1. Pour yourself a shot of vodka. Drink it.  Now that you have room in the bottle, dump the roach fragments into the pint of vodka (or what have you.)  Cap it tightly and then shake for as long as you can deal with shaking this container.  Contents will turn black-brown and get thick and chunky. Keep shaking. Enlist the efforts of others.  Shake this bad boy UP.

2. Store in a cool, dark place for 30 days.  This basically means not next to a fireplace or a heat duct.  Room temp is just fine.  An unheated garage would be optimum, but there's really no reason to take things that far.  As far as the darkness goes, I don't really know how this works or doesn't work; just do it my way because it's Muk tested and Muk approved.

3. After 30  days, shake again for a ridiculously long time.  Replace in cool dark place.

4. Wait 30 more days. 

4.5 At the end of those 30 days, remove from cool dark place. Do not shake. Do not agitate. Let it settle.  In the meantime, ready a clean, empty glass container with a generous mouth, fitted with a funnel in which a coffee strainer has been placed.

5. Being careful not to agitate the nasty weird guck that is your vodka and roach mix, tip it slowly into the coffee filter.  The upper portion of this liquid should be a clearish yellow color, and there should be a bottom layer of pure evil.  Carry on. Fear not. Simply tip the clear stuff s l o w l y through the filter, and then follow it with the sediment.  Dump it all out and let it sit there in the coffee filter, straining away into the clean glass container, overnight.

6. Next day!  Good morning! You now have a clean glass container filled with tobacco yellow fluid that has a bottom layer of black sediment.  It will smell like a used ash tray full of vodka. This is what you want. Yes it is. Don't argue.

7. Throw away the coffee filter and its horrifying contents. Don't bother squeezing them to get the last drops. It's spent. Get rid of it.  Wash the funnel.  Pitch the empty pint. Wash your hands.  Now - put a lid on the filtered liquid you collected in the clean jar and put it in the refrigerator.  

YOU'RE DONE!

How to use:  

A real Viking will unscrew the lid, take a slash and pass it around to his/her fellow Vikings, who will also take a rip and not bitch about how it tastes. You're a Viking, right? Like you give a shit!  Tomorrow you're gonna rape a bunch of nuns! 

Non-Vikings: Mix with the undiluted Torani syrup of your choosing.  Man, do NOT use peppermint or cherry flavoring because there will be projectile vomiting. I don't know why this is true but it is.

Bon vivants: Mix like any cocktail that uses vodka as an ingredient and pretend you don't notice the burning restroom flavor.

It'll hit you in about 15 minutes.  Take a few moments to savor and assess this state of being, and then proceed with due care. Believe me, this stuff is potent (and here your persnickety ass was going to throw those roaches away? For shame!) 

So there you go.  No Freon, no Pyrex containers, no burning motor homes.  Far from being waste, roaches are a prime source of crunchy brain fodder.  For the shamefully low price of a pint of shitty vodka you can have hours of fun. I like to spend that time misusing lighters and aerosol hairspray.

Bonus Fun Fact!

If you've been worried about intestinal parasites, worry no more, bucko. Vodka-Roach tincture, once ingested, will kill everything in you that isn't you, and some of it might still be recognizable the next time you take a dump (oh yes) so if you're into that kind of thing, be on the lookout. No I am not joking.

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How you doin'?