Vast Pork Crater 114 year!

 I'm going to try to figure out how to re-vamp my comments lounge so that I can reply to posts individually. As I recall, JON had the lowdown on how that happens.  You'll have to repeat that, sonny. Grandma didn't catch it the first time. 

Yeah, I'm all old and shit.  I want to complain about my knees and how I get called 'Grandma' by every little kid in creation lately, but to be honest, I really like being old.  A lot of the bullshit has just melted away. It's amazing to look back and see how the simple act of growing a pair of tits played havoc with my brain chemistry for so many years. Turns out that having had Graves Disease is what complicated menopause and made it last nearly ten freaking years. I would have liked to have known that beforehand. But it's all over now, and I am free of the whole sorry, terrible, adult thing at laaaaaaast!

So the tide is finally out, and what's left stinking on the beach is a minor learning disability and some ADHD artifacts. I only take three medications now, and only one of them is related to me being nuts, and that's -you know what, skip the details, it's 5 mg. Prozac.  That's IT.  That's it. Down from what...seven different prescriptions? Nine is closer. Yeah. Seven or nine.

Yes I went there.  I took the easy path. We all smelled this coming.  

So. I did an old person thing the other day.  

Now, I don't have a Karen personality.  I do not throw tantrums in public, I don't take meth, I don't stomp my gogo boots and shout for the manager and scream-cry.   But yeah, I was using the self-checkout at Fred Meyers and it borked because I was buying a fifth of Bushmills and had to wait for a 'customer service' person come look at my picture ID to see if I was old enough. Take a moment to consider the irony. 

Five minutes later, the customer service person, who had been standing ten feet away from me jacking her jaws, came over. Then I had to wait for ten more minutes while the machine adamantly refused to accept her employee code six times in a row.  Then the rotating red assistance light on the check stand went on, and all the clerks rolled their eyes and sighed. At that point I said, conversationally, 'You know what, I'm done. Fuck this place. ' It was a conversational 'fuck' not an abusive 'fuck'. Anyway, yeah. Then I just walked out.

I surprised myself.  It came so naturally.  I didn't feel an ounce of guilt.  I was not mad. I was just done, and out I walked.  Old me does not care that three teenagers were inconvenienced by having to put my Bushmills on the re-stock shelf. Note also that Old me would have kept her fat yap shut if there'd been anybody behind her in line. Ahoy! I shouted, but there be no answer a-commin, ner a sail t' be seen! 'ARRR!' sez I! Then by Davey Jones and all the divils in burnin' Hell....

Release the Kraken!    

'And down ye go and be gone wi' ye, for I'll ne'er shop t' aisles o' yer  grocery store agin!'  Or whatever a person who had a kraken to release would say in my situation.  

OK I just went and looked at this thing in Images (duh) and found this kraken picture:

You know what that thing looks like?  Cloverfield.  Serious as a heart attack. 

Cloverfield is excellent!  Even the sea lice were excellent! And how many movies can you say that about? Not too many, Spanky.  

They could completely be from the same genus, just different species.  Although Cloverfield (spoiler alert!) is extraterrestrial.  After extensive research I have concluded that Cloverfields come from meteorites.  

The first ones landed here on that meteorite that wiped out all the tracheotosaurs and had been running around on the sea floor eating dead Aztecs (because of the cenotes!  That meteorite split into pieces and went all birdshot on the Yucatan Peninsula and drilled it full of holes that filled up with water. What do you do with something like that in your Aztec back yard? You throw other Aztecs into it. The Cloverfields smell that happening and dig passages from the ocean to the cenotes and eat the dead Aztecs. Keep up.)  Then one branch split off and migrated to Greece, where it mutated into Krakens.  Or a single Kraken.  And then it ate Argo.

The Argo corn starch lady is a super foxy corn lady.  

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There is nothing to compare to being able to follow one's interests in solitude.  I love my solitude.  This is another thing I've discovered since I turned old all of a sudden. Solitude is bliss!   

When I think of all the quality time I lost due to feeling pressured to go out into public and interact, I want to weep.  I spent way too much time worrying 'Am I social enough?' and not nearly enough time doing interesting things like undertaking extensive research in order to reveal how a kraken/the kraken is descended from Cloverfields. We didn't even know about Cloverfields until 2008. Fun fact!

I also just read The Vision of Tundale which is a super trippy piece of writing that came along, quite conveniently, about the same time that the Church invented Purgatory. This caused the French to build the Cathedral of Autun for lepers, who have leprosy because they are, for real, God said, suffering the actual torments of Purgatory right here on Earth in front of your face. Then Dante, not to be outdone by people with chunks falling off of them, got on the Purgatory bandwagon and whipped out The Inferno, The Purgatorio (see?) and the Paradisio.  Finally it was 1452 and DaVinci said this is really getting stupid. He cut up a bunch of dead people, drew pictures of it, and then he moved to France and died.  This is why France sucks. 

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Inexplicable DeVice just had a birthday!  And how lucky is he, who is a them, to be able to celebrate numerous birthdays simultaneously?  I gave them a birthday gift and everything. The Mistress even threatened him with a cake!  Did YOU?  Go threaten IDV with a cake. Go do it now.

Welcomed back into the fold (since the introduction of motorized sheep, this phrase now carries more of a...medical...image than it should) is former Miss Alternative Ireland (she isn't even Irish!  Seriously!) roller derby queen and newish bride NOSHIT SHERLOCK!  AKA Sophie!  The very first soul I ever claimed, back when this was Paul and not Steve. She even has an icky nephew!

  -maaaaaan, going for the easy shot once again.  I am ashamed. Still, you keep looking at this picture, and...it just...  

Wow this is enough excitement for me. I'm going to go rest. Go play your Beatles records backwards. Or muse upon the words of Beck '...through the garbage pail sky, like a giant dildo crushing the sun.'  It's a good song.  I mean do whatever.