Shake Hands With Beef

Oh, we're gonna go places today, kids.

Yes we are. Heh.  

I'm going to bring the Jimmy Castor Bunch up on stage to lead us in.

"We're gonna go back. 

Way back. 

Back into time. 

When the only people that existed were troglodytes. 

Cave men.

Cave women.

Neandertal.

TROGLODYTES.

Let's take the average cave man at home, listening to his stereo.  

Sometimes he'd get up, start to move. Try to do his thing."

...and sometimes his thing wasn't up to the task, so he went for his cave dildo.    

Look at them. 

Cavewomen! HA.  What we have here are butt toys, snatch toys, and one - damn, #4 - freak of nature.  (And if any of you know Mr. Mago, please let him know about his incredible cultural heritage, would you?)

A couple of these were made to resemble animal dicks.

One of these may have been used on an animal. 

Yes.

To induce oestrus.

 

This is something that still happens. Today. In agriculture. Real, non-fetishy agriculture.  And the most likely animal that a cave dick of this size would have been used on would have been a pig, otherwise known as cheap quality protein, the thriftiest animal going.  The idea is, pig goes into heat on your schedule, pig gets boyfriend, pig has more pigs, we all have ham. Or tiny pig on rye. It's Germany. 

This is a case of having on hand the right tool for the right job. There's the ass cave dick, the snatch cave dick, and the Dammit Irene I can't get this sow going by myself, hand me a #10 cave dick. 

Yes, I've just alluded to man-on-pig action.  Hello, Vase de Noces fans! 

___________________________

  

CAVE SHAMANS   

I want you to ask yourself what all those 'shaman' cave paintings were about. (You:  Damn I wonder what all those shaman cave paintings were about. What an oddly specific, random thought.)  

They call those figures shamans, anyway; a picture of some guy with an animal head and a boner who hangs around with animals. 

This guy is dressed as a pinecone in opera gloves. Bison love that shit.

For years these scenes were thought to depict hunting and magic and animal spirits, the idea being, nobody reads, so you draw a man - animal hybrid. I suppose they pointed to it and said 'This animal headed thing is the animal's spirit, or perhaps it's god. Either way, let's pray for it to die.'   

Now you have to ask "Why a dude?  Why not a woman?" I'll wait.

Could be because the immediate vicinity of the painting was a sacred, male-only cult space, like (blogger of your choice here)'s ass.

Could be that the female 'shamans' were washed off by way-too-Christian explorers. "Oh la," they said, because they talked like that. "That is unspeakably bestial, Satanic, and obscene. Get a bucket and a brush."  

But it could very well be that some of the depictions are about very early attempts at domesticating animals, like a how-to visual aid. Bear with me. Not a pun.

Cave people were smart. That much is fact. And they necessarily noticed very specific things about animal behavior because they needed groceries. 

 Now, key to domesticating animals is 1. Meticulous observation 2. Taking charge of their reproductive cycle, and 3. Habituating them to a human presence. The 'Shaman', then, could just be a visual mnemonic for 'Kids, be like Mr. Proto-Herdsperson here. PH is out there like a badass with his flock, knows animal habits like he was born one of them, and it is absolutely imperative that those gals get the D when it's convenient for you.'  

But. 

It could just as easily mean "Dress up in an animal costume, and then book ass into the middle of a herd of wooly rhinos with an erection."  I'll elucidate after a line of asterixis.

*********  

Now.  What if, and this is a big, big if, so hang on and we'll all get through this together... domestication didn't start out as domestication at all? 

You have to wonder how someone even came up with the idea. Animals RUN AWAY.  They fight back, they're stronger than you, and they're present in their teeming millions in 50,000 - 10,000 B.C.  Domestication is a helluva cognitive leap.

 

What if all this 'I have an animal head and I like to hang out - forgive me- with the herd' art was depicting an initiation task?   Say, one just like the one a couple of well-known motorcycle gangs still put their prospects through?  

"Thats why they call me...Oosik." 

-OK it means a walrus' penis bone. It's called an Oosik. He banged a walrus, OK? Good God this is funny on so many different levels. 

This means that what we thought was "Shaman in the Herd" ochre on stone, artist unknown, c. 50,000 B.C. 

is actually "Initiate In A Stupid Hat About to Fuck a Camel" ochre on stone, artist unknown, c. 50,000 B.C.

You've seen James Herriot up to his shoulder in a cow, right?  He's taking advantage of one of the dirty little secrets of agriculture:  Animals...don't necessarily object. To certain treatment. Ahem. OK like I don't mean chickens, I mean, you know, real animals. Horses and cows and stuff.  You know, animals. 

This really is one theory of how hunters became herders. If you want to verify it, you'll have to dig really really deep and learn anthropological things you really, really wish you hadn't, because then as now, what happens in the herd tends to stay in Enumclaw.  (I dare you to look that up.)

   

So here we are.

It's Rush Week for our man Blarg. He's got his animal head costume. He's out on the mountainside with his crew and they're all like 'Go on! Get out there! Shh! You shhh.' and stuff.   He sneaks up to a filly, casts his bolo, and...that happens.  Yippie ki yo ki yay, Blarg is now a full member of the Concatenated Order of Hoo Hoo. Blarg and Co. go off and party. Meanwhile, the horse, with the scent of Blargs manliness lingering in her nostrils, follows Blarg downmountain for some more of that sweet sweet Neanderdick. And then it's simply a case of 'Can Blarg keep horse? It friendly! Blarg certain.' 

Yes indeed. This very argument has been made. Yes it has. By people with degrees. 

From German universities.