Having once again proven that I can, in fact, offend most of the people most of the time, I shall now move on to the subject of sheep pussy.
-HA I so got you. I did. You know I did. Don't lie. I totally got you with the sheep pussy thing.
But speaking of horse condoms, let me express my utter delight at having received a statement from the Social Security Administration telling me all about the pittance I'll be getting after I 'retire'. Oh, and my Medicare 'benefits', although how anything that amounts to a proffered Band-aide and a glass of tepid water can be called a benefit escapes me. Perhaps because it's better than a peck in the head with a sharp rock? I say it's relative. You can get a peck in the head with a sharp rock for free. To get Social Security you have to make a bunch of appointments and fill out things online and sort through reams of mailings. For months. And Medicare? Enrollment after enrollment after negotiation after application after turndown after enrollment.
As far as the cash amount goes - let me put it this way. I just bought four pairs of slacks and four character t's, the combined cost of which adds up to 1/3 of what I'll be getting from Social Security. So if I were single? That means every month for the rest of my life, I could buy twelve pairs of slacks and twelve character t's. And get a Band-Aide and a glass of tepid water.
I didn't expect anything different, to be honest.
As things stand, and in the best case, we'll spend our waning days in North Carolina in a tiny home, under the scrutiny of a family member I often find disagreeable. I am not looking forward to the move, or the location, but as I drive past the homeless encampment just down the street from me, I realize things could easily be a hell of a lot worse. Hopefully by the time it comes to moving South, they'll be letting me have the good drugs. Hell, if I can still drive, I'll be able to buy them without a prescription, so never mind. I'm good.
-Where am I going, disagreeable family member? Oh, I just thought I'd, um, hang out in the parking lot in front of WalMart for a few hours. Need a pair of slacks? How about a character T?
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I'm in much the same circumstance to look forward to, Ms Nations - a pension so unappealingly tiny I think I'll have to hang on in work until I drop. Hey ho. There's always the Lottery. Jx
ReplyDeleteMan, we're saying the same thing. Retirement age here is 65. The week after midnight strikes and I leave my glass slipper in the dust we'll be packing our shit and heading Sout'.
DeleteI shall open a home for old, and wayward bloggers. We will sit in the communal living room typing at one another via our devices and rarely speak. Jon will be responsible for cultural evening events where we will laugh, get extremely pissed, curse Blogger, and then get misty eyed about our glory days. Mr Devine will be our carer as he is younger than us, and will probably nimble fingered enough to deal with zips and buttons. It will be lovely. We will have a lovely garden, and I will label everything with my beautiful calligraphy.
ReplyDeleteBefore this happens I need everyone who is interested in this aspirational lifestyle to email me with their bank account details, please include Sort Codes as this makes my life easier. You can find my email address on my blog. Thank you!
Sx
Typo alert: ….will probably still be nimble fingered enough….
DeleteApologies.
Sx
Last time I sent my bank account and sort codes it was to the President of Nigeria, who emailed me personally to let me know that I was chosen to receive $100,000,000. I regretted that one. I thought he was such a nice man.
DeleteJx
I am offering so much more - loving care in your dotage, and as many cushions as it takes to make you comfortable. You know it makes sense.
DeleteSx
I highly doubt I'll be married or partnered...so Scarlet, will there be room for an old Dowager? I find the idea of a nimble Mr. DeVine un-doing my shirt and pants buttons rather alluring.........
DeleteFunnily enough, I do happen to have some experience with others' zips and buttons as a result of said others' numb fingers following a freezing cold and extremely wet boat trip to the Farne Islands many, many years ago. And I'm still dextrous enough to get an awkward collar on an even more awkward and even more nimble and bitey small dog. Count me in!*
Delete* As long as I can have Thursdays off.
I am IN. Mr. DeVice can fasten my collar any time.
DeleteOh! I got an email like Jon's, but I thought the sender had typed "Prince" of Nigeria. I wondered why he didn't reply...
ReplyDeleteBut about this Old Bloggers' Home in the Walmart car park...sounds like a super idea, Scarlet! Would it be somewhere like Maddie's place, because I adore peonies and Red Bud...
The last time Prince sent me an e-mail he was but a wee Princeling selling newspapers on the corner. I don't know what I mean by that. He sounded young, though.
DeletePittance!!!! You said it sister!!!!!! There is quickly getting to be next to no benefits to living in one of the "richest" countries on the globe. I have some time till I retire, and I already wonder what if any benefits will even be around? It pisses one off too, especially since when we start working, we pay into these things. Thanks heavens the 401 is doing well...for now.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'll be too old to work a corner to supplement. I mean who will want a old man with big balls hanging low looking for loose change on the ground? Then again, maybe some kinky bastard will be into that and pay top dollar. These are things keeping me awake at night lambchop.
Now about sheep pussy and horse condoms......
I'd pay to see your balls looking for loose change on the pavement. That's a novelty act. Take that on the road, babaloo!
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