In the Virtual Greeting Card Aisle With FirstNations

NOTE:  No Willow Tree figurines were harmed in the making of this post, but they for good and sure get taken to town.  If you collect these morphodites you just keep that to yourself. They are empty vessels awaiting an unclean spirit just the same as if you asked in the Devil himself.

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Grab your garters Gertie and let's take a trip through the Vanilla Internet looking for birthday cards! No, now we are not going to the porno, we are just skipping over all that old 'special interest' bee-smith. Just right down the center. 

I hope you brang comfortable shoes because I do not want to hear it about your corns. My God. See a doctor and get them froze off. 

Check out Dinahmow in her Aretha-inspired chapeau. I think that's just cute as a bugs. 

Have you noticed this damn Internets is not one bit like it was when I was a girl?  You used to have to get your computer all full up with the cookies and the trackies and that virus to find your friend a card.  And I mean now special friends.  You get plain friends, sometimes you got those special ones and the twain shall never meet. 

And sometimes the Twain do meet, and be natty have the photograph took.     

So you want to give a ticular friend a special birthday card. Well let me hold the damn door for your ass. Git on in this virtual Hallmark store!  

Hmm. 

Sakes, do you see this?  Did you know that there is such a thing as Caning Birthday cards?  'Happy Birthday!  I'm going to whap you with this cane!'  I suppose I shouldn't be surprised but I am. That's an Etsy.

And lookit here at all this, they have all this feet. Of course you know feet are yesterday.  There are feet-sex birthday cards all over the place. They got them on special. Everbody do.

Oh look they got cards for that special coprophiliac in your life.  Wait motherWHAT? There's even a coprophilia BEACH TOWEL. COME LOOK. Here it is behind the Snoopies. 

 

Coprophilia Home & Decor - CafePress

Let me take a second with that thought.  Coprophilia Home & Decor.

...and breathe.

Oh, a formicophilia sticker. 

Whazzat you asking me? Now tell me you aren't sitting right on the Internet asking me what's that mean.  

She-sakes. 

Fine.  It means that people out there getting their fancy tickled and put those bugs, worms, slugs and caterpillars and so forth all on their general selves, and they want a sticker for their car. Or maybe they want to stick the sticker on themselves and peel it off again until the glue wears out. I don't pretend to know.

Oh come take a lookit. Now tell me that's not cute as a bugs. You know, I used to have a nice friendship with a Babyman. I whisht Ida sent him a Babyman card.  

I do miss that Babyman. He was a German fella.  

I'd never find him again because there too many Babymen out there now, wearing diapers, getting baby pictures took at Wal-Mart, driving long haul truck.  But back then we and him had some very aformatative conversations, and I learned things. One of the things I learned is that I do not want to be a Babyperson.   But this Redbubble outfit next door down has got your cards when it comes to Babyperson birthdays. 

It's next door down- 

I am pointing at it.  

Put on your glasses.

Did I tell you my ex-father in law was a Stygiophiliac?  I must've.  

C'mon you're lying to me. Sure I told you about his stygiophilias. My ex husbands' sister Lena she had to poke him up with a triceradent to get any meat moved.  Look how Etsy come up with a nice little card says 'Demon Lover' that kind of looks like Paul McCartney, and his eyes are like red tomatoes. Here it's behind the Keepsake Ornaments.   

Oh I just thought of your brother Leonard. This ugly little statues brought him to my mind. 

Tell me that's no eggplanet. That is 2 eggplanets and they have torn out somebody's heart.    

Leonard. 

Leonard the cuck. 

Of course that was your brother. Watch his wife in the bed there with the man who change out the waterboys. 

Well whose brother was it then?  It was somebody's brother. 

Anyways look at all this everydamnwhere. 'Happy Birthday you sad, inadequate man, from your wife who has an ass full of Shane Diesel at this very moment. Wish you weren't here.' It's overfloated the bin! 

Lookit this rooster. Ha I got you!  You thought he was goina say cuck cuck cuck but he's talking bowt Slushies!  

Now see, me? No sir.  Nosir. Years and years ago I come close to murdering this certain party who thought she'd try to falank me.  And I still don't like that woman, so I tell you what I say. I say you be on the damn lookout, Patsy's niece, because I could develop a real flexible moral outlook in my 70's.

Were you ever in the carwash and wondered 'Gosh, is there such a thing as an enema birthday card?'  See this Etsy got this very stylish klismaphilia card. "Have a very shitty birthday all year long."* I think that's very nice. Yas.

This ain't it. This is a sticker. And it has ruined squirrels for me.      

Oh and lookit here behind the Santa! 

The Santa holding a fishing rod he's got a fish on. 

THERE!   

It's in the building next over, where did you think I was saying? I was pointing right smack at it. 

Look at all the hooraw they got in the Redbubble store!  

You know what? We are done.  Here I drug us all in the Hallmarks looking through all this ol' stuffin' they have.  

Like this. What is this.  Look at this horrible hematrode. Get your house haunted.

Somebody call an Uber right smack now. We are not spending one more little minute in this place.

We shoulda headed straight to the virtual Redbubble. They got ALL the philia cards.  Nobody gets left out on their birthday party.  

Meanwhile I'll tell you what I like. 

Of course I like a cut of Irish. No. I mean you know what I like best?  There is the link. Clink on that lick. 

Cake farts original (shittytube.com)      

Actually don't lick on this clink. Don't do it. You're grown, so now don't say I didn't tell you because I did.

Pay the Uber, Dinahmow, we don't have all ding dong day.

 

Well now. Look here in this Redbubble store! Shit fire and save matches, they have Cake Fart birthday cards! 

Woop! Pardon my oo la la. 

No, shoo shoo, go on! Grab a few!  Grab a t-shirt, a notebook and a poster while you're at it, they got those in the Cake Farts! 

Fact you go bother the checkout girl.  I'll take and put these up in my hose under the lastics.  

Check and see if I tucked my dress.

Goodness I have to sit down and wipe my glasses.  

See and here? Hoo boy!  You can not only buy your pals a Golden Shower birthday card, you can even order them a watersportses t-shirt in the male and female sizes! They even sell a lawn banner that says 'On a scale of ten, they're an eight.'  

Oh motherBUTT how's that go. 'If you're...' wait. 

You're an eight. 

'If I'm a ten, you're an eight.'

See now that's funny.

Damn skippy. Here's to me.   

Now that's a rotten nuisance; we run out of liquor. 

Tell that driver take us to the OLCC. 

Tap on the glass get his tension. Like a fishbowl. It gets their tension. 

Just tap on the damn glass get his ten-

WE WANT TO DRIVE TO THE OLCC  

-you think he heard me? He better-have. I'mant paying for no side-seeing trip.

Go ten miles out of my way and end up some strange place they got these ballahooskas. Like it sucked the eyes out of each other, that sea lion.     

Wasn't that fun?  I had fun. I am stocked up. I hope you stocked up too. Things are getting spensive out there. That stocking up is what I swear by. Say you die, why, your children can still use those cards. Shoe. Be tickled to death, find those philia cards.

Yas. 

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*Contact me for more jolly, enema-specific sentiments.