SHOPPING RURAL AMERICA DEUX with bonus beer rant!

WOW OK here we are back in Lynden to do some shopping!  

You may ask 'Hey Nations, why are you out in Lynden all the time?' and I would answer 'Because my pharmacy of choice is way out in the brush, and as long as I'm on my way through, I might as well multitask and get some damn shopping done.'  

I hope you are happy.

Our first grocery store is The Fair Market!  No wait, it's the Food Pavillion. Shit.

Lovely spring flowers greet us at the entrance. I was so tempted!

   

And here we are inside!  As with most grocery stores these days, it is a big warehouse of a space, although this joint is like a fucking airplane hanger. I generally don't shop here because walking around  is just plain hard on the feet.  I get tempted to use one of the little electric scooter thingies but I can never find one, and then I think "Ew, I wonder what the seats are like?" and I trudge on.

    

   This is a full-size running and operating tractor. It's in all the parades and local events, and they even make poor Santa Claus drive this thing down the street around Christmas. No you cannot climb on and play Pretend Farmer however much you may want to.  Dammit, read the sign:   

They also have an old model T flatbed truck they use for the produce displays during the Summer. That's how much space they have to play with in here. Well, I mean shit, look at the background. 

And do take note of the backgrounds - There's eight people in the store, counting me, all roaming around like ghosts in this vast space.

 

I swear this place is so huge it has its own weather system.  Anyway here we are ^^^^ in the Produce Section (note bananas) looking toward the Dutch Items. 

Huh? You might say. Dutch items? We're five freakin'  miles from the Canadian border here. WTF Dutch items?

Oh wait. Just wait.      

         Here we are ^^^ in another section.  I don't know what this section is. I do know that there clearly isn't a dress code being enforced at the door fo damn shore. I know I took this picture for a specific reason but I can't remember what that reason was. Maybe it was the purse. I dunno.

OH!  This is....the same section.  OK dairy is on the right, and it looks like soup and chips? on the left there. Shit I don't know. I am so lost. 

I mean look at this. I could drive my car around in here without a care in the world, the aisles are so wide.  That would be cool, right?  Just driving around the store, reaching out the window and grabbing stuff.  If you beeped the horn in here, it would echo. 

Ok now I'm just turning in circles. This is...lunchmeat on the extreme left, and tortillas, and...bread, I think. Aw screw it. You all wanted to see the Dutch Section. Let's go do that.

Now see, I told you we'd get there. There was no reason to be so impatient. Jesus Christ it's just groceries. Now here we have the most Dutch lady in history, Sister Elsje Van der Schlagenhoorgogge, the Worlds' Strongest Nun, hero of Rotterdam.

   Actually I have no idea who this lady is, but she has chocolate so she's OK by me.    

Two whole aisles of Dutch groceries for Dutch stomachs!  You need some Kook Pudding? They have it here and it's strawberry flavored.  It's got vanillesmaak too. Damn.

And here we have...whatever this is.

 

Normally I'd take this as my cue to concoct some horrifying analogy because I am six.  This time I'll let the contents of the jar NO. You know what?  This looks like a jar full of intestinal polyps. WHAT THE FUCK.

You might be thinking all this Dutch stuff is just Lynden going too hard on the Nederlandsche thing, trying to suck those tourist dollars off the Guide Meridian. Nope. These products are here, salty liquorice and all, because there's Dutch people in Lynden living Dutch-as-fuck lives, and they for-real wear wooden shoes.  I always thought these things were just for Dutch-themed decor (??) or something. Nope. Over the years I've seen people clomping about their rural Lynden lives in these...Moms out shopping, guys driving tractors, kids out working with cows out in the barn - this is legitimate footwear. 

Not my damn footwear, but hey.

On our way out let's remember to pick up a few packets of the best regional seeds in the West. You can't go wrong with Ed Hume, Master Gardener, God of USDA Zone appropriate selections, and my hero.

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HEY WOW WHERE THE HELL ARE WE NOW whoops I sneaked that up on ya! We're in Grocery Outlet Bargain Market! 

  It's a TWOFER GROCERY EXTRAVAGANZA!       

   In contrast to the last place, GOBM is scarcely big enough to swing a cat.  The entrance is way down that aisle where you can see a couple of people being Canadian there.  Directly to the center left edge where you can see the word 'Breaker' on a yellow box?  Thats a six of the finest West Coast IPA in America. Don't forget it. It's going to get scary here in a few pictures. 

OO! An adventure!   

Actually no. I'm just here to pick up some beers. I go straight to the booze section and take all my pictures from there. And I rant about beer, which I may have already done in past posts. Anyway.... 

Yeah, you. OK. Now our last store, though roomy, was clean and well stocked. The items on the shelves were in good order, fresh and undamaged.

 

Not so GOBM. Not so at all. 

Sadly, I am such a bargain junkie that I am willing to brave the horrendous produce section and the distinct smell of rodent. If you go through Lynden, though, please don't shop here. Really. It is bad.  I know it doesn't look that bad in these pictures but trust me, it's BAD.   

  You can enlarge this picture and examine it for 'shucks howdy' stuff. 

GOBM started out as Bargain Grocery Outlet, and it was a cool store that sold weird overstock items. You literally never knew what you'd find where - steaks next to the sport jackets, patio umbrellas by the ice cream case.  It was clean and organized, at least.  Now it's GOBM, and frankly, it's a rip-off. I can't speak for your GOBM, wherever you may be, but ours IS. The only reason I shop here is because I'm way out in the county and the gas money's been spent. Plus premium beer at low prices, occasionally.

We here at the El Apartmento call this place 'The Used Food Store.'     

This sign? About the cheese?  is a bullshit lie. They have meager cheese and it's 'dent and scratch' cheese, and it's expensive too. That goes for eighty percent of what's inside these four walls. What they're selling here is  

   Stock cull and RETURNED ITEMS.  

  

You aren't supposed to know it and I'm not supposed to know it, but there you go. If it isn't in a hard, sealed container, it's probably USED FOOD.  Hence the nickname. Keep up.

   In blithe disregard of current trends, I am not one of those now kinda women who lay around saying 'Yaaass!' in a saucy manner whilst swilling wine. No no. I am all about the beers. 

Here ^^^ I stand in the booze section. Straight ahead is the undrinkable wine, and to the left along the wall is the kiddie shit - coolers, spritzers, and flavored ices. The Suicide By Diabetes section, in other words.    

  Now standing here in the PNW like I am, there is premium beer for sale in this store, because there has to be if they want to do business, and I just posted the photographic evidence above so ha.  I bought me a six of Breaker, and was happy. But there I was with my phone, and there in front of me was a prime subject -    

THE BEER WALK OF SHAME

    Hooray! is what I thought. Now I don't have to lurk around taking pictures of rodent damage and spoiled apricots for content!  I can rant about garbage beer instead!     

 

   TF is Old German?  It's only 4% (BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!)  so screw it. It's an animal beer. The animal in this case is an elderly German in lederhosen. It counts.

 

Although not technically an animal beer, Miller Oldstyle 4.7 is...I mean, yow, it's bad. Thick and slippery with a Karo Syrup finish, monsieur.  

 

Icehouse is Coors flying under a false flag. This is by far the worst - I hesitate to call it beer - I've ever tasted. Imagine a weird, thickish mixture of Zima, Karo syrup, and a little brown food coloring. It is swill. It is awful. Of course, Coors never made a decent beer on its best day. In fact, Coors is the racist, homophobic sweatshop of beer manufacturers, and

 You know what; just don't get me started on Coors, OK?  Just DON'T. 

   

4.1 Busch Light animal beer. Tastes like clinical depression. 

  Meet animal beer PNW!  WTF is PNW beer?  I'll tell you what it is.  It's a 4.2 lager Made in Tukwila WA by people who know that you can't afford anything better, is what it is.    

 

       5.0 Kokanee, although lacking an animal mascot, is still an animal beer, and tastes like a glass of water that's had a slice of bread floating around in it for a long, long time.            

GAAAAAAAH Budweiser. No.    

Here's the thing about Bud. It sucks. It has always sucked.  It's watery. It's sour. It's what you got drunk on in high school because your dad drank it and he wouldn't notice the cans in the trash. Why is it popular then?  SUPERBOWL COMMERCIALS.

And as if regular Budweiser wasn't bad enough?  Here we have 5.5 Bud Ice. It is VILE BEYOND DESCRIPTION. Which begs the question Why???

Well I'll tell you why; it's fortified beer. Because that needs to be a thing. It's been freeze concentrated so it tastes twice as bad and has a smidge more alcohol than other shitty beers for the same price;  and it comes in a tallboy can so you can feel like you're getting one over on the Man, or something.   

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Well that's it! Wasn't that fun and informative?  Yes it certainly was!   You got to see a boring store and a skanky store! You got to see wooden shoes and you got to see animal beer*!  It was a kaleidoscope of whatever! 

Now go stand in front of our house and look fabulous!

 

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*What is animal beer?   What is the worst animal beer? - Cafe Society - Straight Dope Message Board

Animal beer is cheap, sad, weak beer. You buy it because 1. You're underage 2. You're unemployed 3.Your life is a wasteland.

There is usually an animal of some sort on the label - eagles, bear, dogs, lions, deer, elk - you get the picture. The look is marketed hard to blue collar, manly-men types who think of themselves as rugged outdoorsmen. The allure is all about having beers with rugged outdoorsy pictures on the can, and being able to afford a mass quantity of those beers, and then feeling all expansive like you're really living large when in fact what you're doing is just peeing a lot. You're meant to buy six cases to take out on a 'hunting trip' or a 'fishing trip', which is when you and a couple of buddies go hang around in the woods for a week without showering, just a' belching and a' farting, saying 'fuck' a lot, shooting the limbs off trees, setting tires on fire, and above all, hammering those cheap weak suds. No animals are harmed. In fact, in this case the animals harm you.

You're welcome!