For the first time in my adult life I am in the closet, and I am going through a whole identity restructuring process as a result.
I have been out since1978. I'd been signaling for years before that.
Let's face it, straight men either don't believe in bisexuality, or they think it's something drunk chicks do. That, in combination with the PNW zeitgeist, the ultra- liberal Oregon of my youth and the freedom of Seattle...I never had a worry being out. Not one.
And it was very, very easy for me to be 'out' too. That's what I'm trying to explain. I never faced any risks. I was a cute, curvy young woman and I didn't look butch even in a three-piece suit, smoking a cigar - it was ridiculous. Straight men thought it was hot, gay women thought it was hot, gay men thought it was hot, and straight women....I left alone. And that was fine. Even though I out-grew that suit, and I miss it.
So here I am at 65.
I knew that I was moving to a conservative state; but I thought it would follow the rule I'd grown up with - the towns and cities would be liberal, and the county would be made up of morons. But conservatism in Idaho is REALLY DIFFERENT. It isn't just a few cranks. Here, it's the world. It's the NORM.
And you know what, kats and kittens? It scares the living shit out of me.
Now I think about what I wear going out. I think about how I express myself, and how I move, for the love of fuck. 'Is this or that gesture too masculine? Should I not be in the 'dude' section of this hardware store?'
And this sounds silly. I know. It is silly. But it's fucking with me. Now that I'm old, now that all my personality traits are cast in stone, now that I no longer get the 'pretty' pass, now that I no longer live in a certain place, I feel like I have a target on me. Like people are watching me very closely for the slightest 'off' trait.
I know this is not the place y'all come for stuff like this, but dammit, I'm queer and I'm trippin' hard.
I feel like a sellout. I hate it.
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I was never in either. Good thing too, because there would have been no closet big enough.
ReplyDeleteClosets are for clothes. It's their problem, not yours! Jx
ReplyDeleteDespite living in a "red" state with a lot of conservatives in my particular city, I think it's fairly safe to be out of the closet here. My lgbtq+ friends never get harassed (at least not that they've ever mentioned) and they're all out and proud. But I certainly can't speak for the state you're in, especially in these times. Please stay safe.
ReplyDeleteFranconia loves YOU !
ReplyDeleteThe few lesbian ladies I know here are just themselves, and in this very catholic & politically "conservative" surrounding nobody cares, at least I have not heard one of my friends talking about discrimination, or being looked at ascew ("scheel angeglotzt werden"). They live with their partners, obviously other females, and that is that.
I do not say this here to paint Franconia as paradys, it is just what I find here. Of course this is not what you talk about - you talk about your own feelings and about the possible perception / cognition of yours by people around you, in the end strangers. And about your fear of some kind of social exclusion - IF I am right, and interpret / understand your words correctly : But what is not to understand with "I am scared!" ?
Jon is right, closets are for clothes. You are a naturally attractive women, a sexy lady, no matter whether you wear a t-shirt or a three-piece, I do not believe that this is something new to you. It should be not that new to other human beings around you, even gun toting, POOH worshipping zombies may accept the fact that a woman has some sex appeal. As long as you do not jump on a trad-wife at WalMart things should be "okay", I guess.
I looked at the map of Fruitland when you disclosed your location (What about this Japanese Garden ?), and of course I have no idea about your local / regional society, and what "conservative" actually means there. In the end I want to say that you should not allow yerself "Dich in's Bockshorn zu jagen" by unproven ideas about other people's possible perceptions. As Marlene said : "Ein bißchen bi schadet nie." (link)"
A picture of that (filled) three-piece would be nice, nevertheless.
I love you Mr. Mago.
ReplyDeleteNot to distract from the serious nature of this post, but I just wanted to let you know that you have won the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition. Congratulations. Please do not resist. Check my latest post for my email address. By the way, the email link on your Blogger profile page is broken. Cheers!
ReplyDeletePlease stay Safe is my advice too my Friend. The Grandson has been Out and Proud, knowing 'they' can't fly under any Radar and haven't seen the Age of Two actually, always mistaken for the Female Gender anyway. Fine in MOST of our Urban Metropolis, tho' not completely Safe, even here. Had 1st Homophobic group of Grown Men attack The Young Prince when he was 12!!!! And then he and his Husband moved to New Mexico to a small Town near the Texas Border. His Husband is as Butch and Macho as they come so being Ex Military Special Forces, Allen rarely has to worry about being Targeted or even suspected. But The Young Prince feels in imminent danger every fucking day and Hates it, coz, like Maddie, no Closet would be big enuf and like in the Bird Cage Nathan Lane's Character, he wouldn't even know how to fake being Straight. So, Yes, there is danger in some places, just like Racism makes some places dangerous, and Xenophobia, so many fucking phobias parts of America has and acts upon, it sickens me. This is the Space to Voice such concerns, we all should be Free to Be who we are without threat of being targeted for it. Big Hugs.
ReplyDeleteOoops means SINCE the Age of Two when I realized I was Raising a Transgender Grandbaby.
DeleteIt takes strength to be different from the perceived norm.
ReplyDeleteIf one can't be oneself then who are you.
It is not always easy and I carry the scares for it and will always support and help those going through a difficult time.
Be yourself at all costs but put a half a brick in your handbag and bash the bastards