Vile Tiny Children and Their Vile Tiny Teeth

 Some little weeble has been eating my tomatoes right off the vine!! Just standing there on his way to school every morning chowing down on raw tomatoes; even a couple of green ones which he threw down, evidently not caring for the flavor. I know it's a kid because I found that discarded green tomato with his little teeth marks in it; I know it's a he because I Just Know.

I went from zero to GET OFF MA LAWN instantly!

Unfortunately there weren't any little kids nearby to hang the blame on or I would have in that moment. I mean Lost My Shit. Grr I was pissed!!

Then I thought to myself 'FFS it's only tomatoes, get a grip' which was nicer of me, but I'm just not that adult so back to GET OFF MA LAWN it was. 

Except that judging from the size of the toothmarks he's probably a kindergartener, so it was back to 'Aw poor little goon' except he broke a couple of good sized branches so now it's back to GET OFF MA LAWN and so it will stay.

File under First World Problems.

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Jon may have guessed my other secrets, but he didn't guess that I am writing a cookbook. Not one for the general public, though -  one for my aging ass, because I'm forgetting how to make such El Apartmento basics as Chicken Livers Mit Schmalz, Wino Barf*, and The Spice. Now as long as I don't forget how to read I'll be all set.

One of the recipes I don't want to forget is this marinara recipe that kicks ass, and it comes from, of all people, my MOTHER.  Yet fear not!

  seriously! fear not, my good humans! she only had one recipe, but it's a really good one!  

also deal with this guys' little pink toeses! EEE! 

and also deal with the tiny head sticking out of his hairdo spitting a tiny waterfall which, dang.

not that I am disparaging anybody's religious imagery

having been raised with this kind of thing I am something of a connoisseur
     

RECIPE! OK!

House of D Greenwich Marinara

 

Makes enough for 2 huge helpings of spaghetti or three reasonable ones.

No substitutions.

 3 16 0z. cans of plain tomato sauce. Buy premium. 

    -Dump into a pot big enough to hold the following ingredients. 

2 bone-in pork chops, rinsed of hemoglobin and fried medium brown on both sides

    -Put the pork chops straight into the sauce and begin bringing the heat up to medium. Save the pan         and it's fond, you'll be using it later! 

Meanwhile, be chopping up some:

   

- white bermuda onion

 -green bell pepper

 -a small bit of minced carrot

 - celery or celery leaves

...enough to make 1 cup of material.

-also have on hand red wine for deglazing

 

-and some regular plain olive oil, not extra virgin - or use neutral cooking oil, or unsalted butter - enough to fry the above 4 ingredients, using the same pan you did the pork chops in. 

   

 -Simmer the above four ingredients in the oil or butter or what have you, until the onions are                     beginning to brown. Then...

   

 -Deglaze with red wine and dump it all into the tomato sauce

  

Now add:

fresh oregano, 1 tsp minced

ground rosemary, to taste

salt and pepper to taste

2 tbls of black coffee, arabica or robusto. (Or 1 tbl of black espresso.)

Let this cook for at least 2 hours on low. Taste as you go along. Top up with water if necessary. The longer this goes the better. (Letting it sit overnight in the fridge and heating it up for dinner on day 2 is perfect!)

 Do not leave out the black coffee!

Serve over regular spaghetti noodles. None of your fancy woo woo shapes. The pork chops are fall-apart good.

Dang just writing this is making my mouth water.

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*Yes, Wino Barf is a recipe, and it is for ravioli filling, which was notably described by someone lo these many years ago as looking like Wino Barf. I say it depends on what the wino has been eating. In the case of Wino Barf, it was chopped spinach and mushrooms.