Again?

 Yes. Again.

I have to break it to all of you ONCE AGAIN, and it's all the fault of the UK because look at this horseshit here:

 

The search for British Bigfoot - The Face

You know what people, it's an island. A very crowded island. It's already chock skippy full of every single supernatural wazoolie there is. You have enough problems now that LIZARD PEOPLE Camilla and Chuck LIZARD LIZARD have been crowned and LIZARD are on the LIZARD PEOPLE LIVING ON THE BLOOD OF INFANTS British freakin' throneLIZARD PEOPLE FFS.  

    

HOW MUCH MORE OBVIOUS DOES IT HAVE TO GET ? He's taunting you! Look at this shameless lizard bastard!      

Come on. Don't start claiming Bigfoot. You don't have room for Bigfoot. LIZARD PEOPLE JOE BIDEN LIZARD BOY SLAP FIVE.  

WELL FINE THEN MISS BOSSY, WHO IS BIGFOOT/SASQUATCH????

Well I will tell your ass. Ramp it back, geeze.

First of all, Bigfoot/Sasquatch = same damn thing.  Lives exclusively on the Northern American Continent.  

How am I so certain?  I grew up with Bigfoot. I mean, he didn't go to my grade school, right; but yeah. Bigfoot was a fact. All the older people in my neighborhood believed (and these are covered wagon, Great Migration folks from all over Scandinavia who got here and went straight to work up in the woods)  because they'd all seen the fucker.  Heck, they even believed in 'Little People' who were just, like, a foot tall and didn't seem to do much but be abnormally short.  And while our parents tried to laugh that stuff off, if you caught them at the perfect level on the drunkometer they'd tell their personal encounter with Bigfoot story too, and then yell at you. 

   

Here's what we knew. Bigfoots - yes, that's the plural, if you grew up in the Oregon School system - are between 7 and 8 feet tall, and are simply primitive cave people who decided they didn't want to be civilized. They just evolved differently because of the cold. So yes, they're just super-hairy naked people who live up in the mountains in caves and run around doing cave stuff, whatever that might entail. And everyone agreed - Bigfoot does not scream, yell, or yodel.  He whistles. Kind of like you might whistle while you were washing out your unmentionables or fixing the bottle capper on your model A.  Don't make me get out the Elk video again. Seriously don't. I'll do it. 

If you're out in the wilderness at night for whatever reason, and you hear something that sounds like a zombie hooting through a traffic cone?  That's AN ELK.  Don't go hooting back at it. An elk will come up and stab the crap out of you with its horns and then stomp your corpse into chunky rags. This shit happens. Elk suck.  Look it up. I won't give you a link. You're grown. 

TODAY'S BIGFOOT 

        

Our zeitgeist hero knows his ale from his porter and his arabica from his robusta. Drives a hybrid. Protects the environment. Picks birds out of the sky and eats them raw.   

He's the mascot of the 'Thang' up here in the PNW.  He's done his reps, and he voluntarily got a vasectomy after two kids. The guy still lives in a cave up on Mt. Hood, but he puts in his public appearances as Douglas Fir, the Trailblazers team mascot, and, you know, cashes his check and goes back to his cave.

Yes that's my fridge. Edith The Egg Lady keeps him company.

 In fact there are so many places, teams, businesses and tchotchkes that use his image that it's safe to say Bigfoot is not hurting financially.  This is why he continues to exist! He's SMART. It isn't all about the hiding and messing with people for fun anymore. He grew with the times and changed his approach! He's very adaptable. Mystery solved.

BIGFOOT MANQUE

This is our guy, though. This is Real Bigfoot.* He has been known to get buck wild.

       

 Meet the Jack Links Sasquatch! Uses that raccoon to wipe his ass.  

Once the Lexus LC is parked behind the cave, occasionally he'll get into the elderberries and decide to play up and pick on some poor holler dweller just for the sake of cussedness. He'll besiege you for a whole week of nights, throwing rocks at your house, breaking your windows, slinging trash around the yard, tearing off the siding, chasing chickens, smashing outbuildings, freaking out the dog, and tipping over the outhouse with you inside. - oh, and stealing your wife for a hot session back at the cave.  

She might come back, she might not.  If she does come back, she'll be knocked up, hence....

THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE RELATED TO BIGFOOT

No shit. This is a real thing. I heard this a few times back in Oregon, but more often here in Washington - up around Baker, Marietta and Lummi, out on the Peninsula, back by the Okanagan and around Highway 395 and Ponderay.  

There are just people out there who are related to Bigfoot. Just...average people. They aren't super hairy or anything. They're just related to Sasquatch.

Just average Pacific Northwest people accused of petty theft who are also related to Bigfoot.  

DO NOT MIX UP BIGFOOTS WITH STICK INDIANS

I knew you were going to so STOP. Stick Indians are altogether different than Sasquatches. First of all, they're magic.  Do NOT talk about them because it only attracts their attention and they just get ugly and mean; and pretty soon your kids are missing and your car is stolen and your tractor is missing both back tires and all you can do is stand there and say 'Fuck me running I should not have gone and on about the damn Stick Indians, look at this shit.'  The reason I'm getting away with it is because 1. Duh I'm typing, and 2. I'm not using their real name. 3e. You don't get to know their real name either. Ha.

Now there you go. To reiterate:  There are no Bigfoots in the UK. 

They have a Green Man but he's  made of leaves and his feet are size 9W UK. 

Not everybody can have a Sasquatch. 

Only cool people.

But you can have Jack Links delicious meat snacks!  Go online and get yourself an assortment!  If you can take the heat the Harbanero is awesome.  Even the weird flavors like Dill Pickle are super tasty.  To be absolutely fair, though, I should warn you - drink a good amount of water while you're snacking on this stuff because it is constipating. 

  Beef Jerky Protein Snacks | Gluten-Free Meat Snacks | Jack Link's (jacklinks.com)

____________________________________________

*Brian Steele plays the Jack Links Sasquatch to perfection.  He's a costume actor who's been all over the movies for years. He's even been a couple of different flavors of Predator, which makes him OK in my book.

About Jack Links:  The tagline is 'Feed Your Wild Side' and the premise is, Bigfoot has been messing with us for years, so when you feed your wild side, you are emboldened to mess with Bigfoot.  The ad campaign, oddly enough, is called 'Messin' With Sasquatch' and...it's pretty stupid humor, frankly. The popularity relies on their having put the time and effort into making a 100% spot on, frighteningly believable, Terry Gilliam-quality Sasquatch.  OH OK FINE here's a link:  (Jon won't be able to use it)

(15) Messin With Sasquatch Greatest Hits - YouTube