From the Caves of West Virginia

1971 was the heyday of the sub-sub-tabloid press. Yes, we had the Enquirer -

HIT IT!     

We had the Enquirer those days...

We had string beans and onions,

The Tattler, the Examiner, 

The Globe and the Star,

Tomatoes, toMAHtoes,

And Sixteen, and Tiger Beat, 

People and Photoplay 

The Midnight and The Insider

And UFO's Are Real, and Fate,

but yes, we had no bananas,

And then came the Weekly World News!

Thankyew!  Now back to Blogging!    

The Weekly World News started publishing around 1978 or 79, when, for a brief while, all we had to satisfy our national urge to get stupider was the National Enquirer.  And even the Enquirer let us down!  After having been sued successfully by Carol Burnett, the Enquirer changed tactics and became the most accurate, reliable scandal source in the world! They had armies of lawyers and detectives, they had lines into talent agencies, security companies, psychiatrists' files, accounting firms, you name it. They openly solicited the public too - and they paid BIG. The Enquirer could be absolutely depended upon to get it first and get it right.

But aw geeze man, that was no fun.

So up slipped the Weekly World News.  Now the difference between them and the Enquirer was that WWN was blatant, utter, and absolute fabrication.  And lo, the shoppers were happy once again, and sales of Good Housekeeping and Womens Day plummeted.  They might have had diets, they might have had fashion, but they didn't have socko headlines like

I remember an interview with the owner, who said 'I sell this paper. This paper here. Just the paper. You can use it for wrapping things, whatever you like.  Now what I choose to decorate this paper with...well, you buy what you feel like buying." And people felt like buying it A Lot.  You can't lose with headlines like my personal favorite:

DA DA DA DA DA DUMMMMMMMMM!  NENENENENENEENE DA DA DUMMMMMM! He's lonesome, wild and freeeeeeeee, hey Bat Boy! *whip crack*     

This was the beginning of a Bat Boy saga that lasted for years. He got captured, he escaped, he crashed Spring Break, he ran around biting people, he was up for Governor of California, he went on the hunt for Bin Laden, he was - well, he was fuckin' fictional, but he was a busy dude. At one point he joined forces with The Worlds Biggest Baby.  And that baby was a big old heefin' baby.  They got up to hijinks.

Out of nowhere the other day I suddenly thought "I wonder what ever happened to Bat Boy and The Worlds Biggest Baby?"  As though they were relatives I hadn't seen for awhile. So I went for a look.

Sadly, The Worlds Biggest Baby has shuffled off this mortal coil.  Sumo Wrestler Once Known as 'World's Heaviest Child' Dead at 21 (people.com)

But Bat Boy's star kept on rising!  He ran opposite Trump for the White House! 

NOW you wish you'd have registered to vote, huh.          

Bat Boy stepped right up to the plate and took his test like a half-man, dammit!

And then, because he just wasn't special enough...

This is not a joke. This is for real. Somebody wrote Batboy: The Musical. And it's an Off-Broadway HIT.   Bat Boy: The Musical - Wikipedia

I hate to tell you how many people out there actually believed this stuff. Before you scoff - remember, this is the country that did not realize until after his death that Liberace was gay. These are the citizens that thought The Colbert Report was real news.  One of my mother's best friends believed every single word of crap like this.  She'd sit there and rattle on about this alien civilization that lived inside Mt. Shasta and Russian satellites that controlled the damn weather and everyone would just nod and smile and chime in with their own B.S.  

And the fuck's my excuse? I've never read a copy of the Weekly World News in my life!  Yet here I am with stupid Bat Boy stuck in my head. Why?  And the Worlds Biggest Baby!  I literally cannot remember my own phone number, yet I remember when Bat Boy was captured by scientists and there was an actual public protest for his release!  You know who I blame?

 I BLAME THE DEEP STATE

 

     

The Weekly World News - now 200% more tongue in cheek:  Weekly World News - The World’s Only Reliable News