Wednesday, June 3, 2020

Old Neighbors, Threats, And Sucking Dick

More quaint vignettes from my charming rural idyll!

My very favorite neighbors ever moved three years ago, and I was bummed, kids.  I have never had a truly good nextie until she and her extended family moved in across the field from me.  No, what I had were  schizophrenics, years and years of them. I was always next door to the person who would stand on their back porch and scream incoherently at 2:A.M. and I am not telling you anything but the absolute truth.
When Ser and her daugher Sar - and kids -  moved in, it was so great.  Ser had a baking business, and she made my husband's birthday cakes and they were astounding. Sar's kids made a fortune off me when Girl Scout Cookie time came around (give me ALL the Samoas.)  We were just regular, friendly, not 'in your shit' but 'there to have long outdoor chats with' neighbors, and not a single one of them was violently insane. Then they left.

Who should I meet at the post office today but Ser and Sar and the whole crew?

I broke Covid protocol.  We all did.  We hugged. We patted. We  exchanged droplets. We stood in the parking lot and talked shit loudly.  It was fantastic!  And Ser is moving back in to the neighborhood!  Look at the misanthrope getting misty!  but I am stoked, it's true!  Ser is good people and I'm looking forward to seeing her around again.

The neighbors on the other side of me....oy vey.  I have stories.  But those stories came to an abrupt end when they all moved out, them and their 246,83539 pets and giant sacks of garbage and the daughter who used to stand on the back porch and argue loudly with the pear tree in their back yard, or just scream full-throated for 45 minutes. Yeah.
They sold the property and good fuckin' riddance, because  they'd trashed it so bad that the fire department used it for training new volunteers.

Actual picture of that happening. Rancho FirstNations is just out of frame to the right.
There are firemen at the end of the rainbow.  Did you ever doubt it?  

  Now all that is gone, razed, hauled away, scraped bare. Up from the mud and weirdness sprang three fourplexes.  Once these units are filled I'll have an estimated 63 - SIXTY THREE - new neighbors (It was a four-lot parcel.)  The nearest unit is whammo, right on our lot line.   
Things are quiet so far.  That will change, come August.  And by God, if I end up with the screaming nut in the unit right next door to my place I am going to go fully Old Lady on their asses. I am sick of that mess. If you must be crazy, do it SOMEWHERE ELSE. My empathy is all used up.  I've been crazy.  But I never stood out in my yard and shouted gibberish at 2:A.M.  Neither should you.
I mean it.

Last night I binged on a certain Infomaniac Bitches' blog, and I found a post that I wish they'd teach in Health Class. Those of you with delicate constitutions should Skip This Link, Pamela Troeppl-Kinneard.

Wouldn't it have been nice to go out into the adult sexual arena armed with this knowledge?  I did not.  Men were like a pinata - give it a whacking and Surprise! Wow!  Look at that! Now what the hell do I do with it?
Big ol' can opener? Check. Discipline collar? Check.  Large roll of foil?  Check. Clue? None whatsoever.  No quatloos for you.

I've been married to the same man for 32 years.  I am a confirmed monogamist* and haven't had to worry about this shit in years, but that post brought it aaaaall back. 
That was an activity that I really enjoyed, but you had to be ready to do some vamping as you went over your strategies once that kielbasa was hot 'n' ready. And the Rhino was always bitching. "Hey, I don't do 69 - Ooooooh." Or "I wanna be able to see your fa - Ooooooooh." Or "I don't wanna lie dow-Ooooooh."   And Mr. "Too Much Of A Good Thing" really, absolutely did not get that he was in a right-angled turn lined with teeth and not a straight, smooth stretch no matter how you gakked and herked - and no matter how much he kept repeating 'No teeeeth, be caaareful, oh you're ruining this!' with every. single. partner.
My sluttin' around days were in the early 1970's when AIDS was just a distant rumor and all STD's could be cured with a shot of antibiotics and a hearty handshake.  Them that went around, went all around, and got notorious in the relatively small world of gay Portland in those days.  I wonder if D. or  W. ever figured it out, or if they're still out there someplace, grey haired, stuffed to the gills with Viagra, whining "I wanna see your face" and "No teeeeth" and wondering why nobody gets it already.

*Yes. I know. Yes, he knows. Yes, I still cross. Yes.  We argue about who gets 1980 Jaime Lee Curtis first.


Mistress Maddie said...

I'll admit it, you caught me attention with sucking dick honey!!!!! I know you's was good people. I'm glad you clarified the house in flames, I just assumed someone ate too many baked beans with hot chill's. Your right darlin....nothing worst then bad crazy neighbors. But I don't have your woes, the worst here is I get the neighborhood bitches poppin in and do the white glove test when I aint looking. And Bunny across the street is always looking at the men coming and going. But with the pandemic, I haven't had any in, so she must be getting bored.

Peenee!?!?!? I sure hope you didn't get poked in the eye with a dick? He has many pointy object de art up in that joint.

Here to ya get humans for neighbors🍸🍸🍸

savannah said...

Crazy neighbors are the bane of city life, but for me the worst were the fucking racists who lived next door to us in Savannah! The day we moved in he and his wife made a point of ignoring us and making it clear that people who looked like us and had our last name were NOT welcome. We were immensely happy that a Black couple bought our home when we moved! xoxo

Steve. Because 'Steve' is almost as nice a name as 'Paul'. said...

Mistress Maddie: Put on your high heeled sneakers and smack a bitch up for going around your place with a white glove. That's just uncalled-for. Mr. Peenee is READABLE. I will forever be gratful to him and his predilection for Hairy Mens!

Steve. Because 'Steve' is almost as nice a name as 'Paul'. said...

Savannah: I had no clue. No idea. It explains a lot, though. I hope things are better where you are now. Living next to bad neighbors blows. (My daughter, who is paper white, lives in North Carolina now. She mentioned in passing that her mother was NA and her neighbors now describing their family as 'that mix-race couple.'GRRRR.)