Strange Cravings, Oxycontin Edition

 The truth of the matter is, I am not averse to a  little oxy every now and then.  And my excuse this time is 'The Season'.  Which is Fall.  

The thing is, I'm an 'atypical responder' so a combination of substances that would land other people flat on their faces, licking the sidewalk, has me doing household minutia, happy as a clam, at 10:p.m. like:  

1. Organizing and consolidating my spice cabinet.  And kids, we have a whole damn three-shelf average kitchen cabinet filled top to bottom, back to front with bulk spices.  I just went through 76 different bottles of various substances, organized them labels forward,  and got rid of all the little half and 3/4 bottles by dumping all the matching substances into other, larger jars, and labelling them.  This took me about an hour, and it smelled really good.

2. 11:30 p.m.  I rinsed and ate half a jar of Spanish pimento olives.  This had to happen.  My stomach was a little upset, and if I have an upset stomach, the only thing that will settle it is either a lot of olive oil on a piece of bread, or straight-up olives.  If you don't rinse the salt out of those green olives you end up with a worse problem than you started out with, but I am super smart and so I'm sitting here feeling fine.  

Yes.  I know.

3.  Took care of my plastic waste.  This means crushing and smashing and stomping on all our used rinsed out plastic bottles, out on the porch, smash, bash, RRRAW GODZILLA and then putting them into a big garbage can, which I did loudly. At  11:03 p.m.   Hi, neighbors!  I'm nuts!  

4. Looked up the history of carnivals, amusement parks and fairs - the slang, the people and so forth, and now a large part of my childhood lies in ashes.

5. Took lil' Gourdie, yanked off his head to save for the seeds, and then jammed the rest of him into the mouth of our truly huge barfing pumpkin (I got rid of the barf to make room for Gourdie.)  I set this charming vignette up near the sidewalk.  For the past hour people have been slowing down to take a good, long look at my personal weirdness.  I feel happy about this.  It is offensive and inappropriate, and everyone will blame The Bejewelled Beast aka The Biker, and not me, because jolly, chubby, nice  old ladies don't do shit like setting up carnivorous pumpkin-eating-a-baby-displays in their yards at 10 p.m.

6. Eaten half a bag of Doritos XXXtra Nacho Cheese Chips because who wouldn't do that at 10:p.m.? (See entry number 2.  I paid for my Dorito-y sins with green pimento stuffed olives, rinsed.  I should sleep well tonight.  Right?  Huh?)

7. Made detailed plans to use my Bissel Steam mop on the kitchen and bathroom floors.  Planned that shit out like the Invasion of Normandy Beach.  Then I realized that my Bissel Steam Mop died last month. 10:30 p.m.  Bummed out.

8. Decided that making a list of the stupid shit I've done this evening follow a logical timeline was too damn much trouble, and then went into the bathroom and cleaned out my ears with Q-Tips.

This is what acting a fool looks like when you are elderly, folks.  You abuse pain medication, drink vodka and eat olives late at night.  This is life ON THE EDGE DAMMIT.