Saturday, October 31, 2020

ACTUAL PHOTOS FROM RANCHO FIRSTNATIONS: BIKER (BEJEWELLED BEAST) EDITION!!!

 OMG I married the right man.  I totally did.  Male or female, it was a tossup - and the universe finally threw me a fuckin' bone (hur hur) and gave me The Bejewelled Beast!  Who is a biker.  My husband. With a dick. Keep up.

OK so this year out of nowhere he decided that he was Gonna. Do. Halloween. Bitch.

I stood back and let him work his fucked up imagination like a dastardly machine made to warp the minds of hapless youth and disgust their elders.  He thought this shit up and bought all the supplies, and I, the former Mrs. 'Do All The Holidays Or Not - Nah, Let's Not' just let him go where the Spirit (Mephisto Q. Kimchee) lead him.  And I am absolutely worshipping the layers of subtle and not so subtle fucked-up-ness he put into this.

First, he put together a costume for work.  They held a contest competition, and he won second place, because 1. He is awesome, and 2. He growled and drooled.  I present to you....DR. DEATH!

Why is he wearing Grandma Shanaynay's weave?  Because he STOLE IT OFF HER CORPSE.

There he is.  My Bejewelled Beast.  Labcoat spattered with the blood of surgery indifferently performed, in Grandma Shanaynay's weave.  


Now here we have his concept for our lil' Welcome Halloween Host:


Lil' Baby Gourdie died of an unfortunate fungal disease, which enlivined his lil' baby corpse and caused it to rise again to wear the onesie of the living!  The message on Zombaby's onesie?  As befits a baby hungry for brains - 'Gobble 'til You Wobble'. My husband is a GENIUS.


And here is our porch display.  As night falls, our porchlight gleams off this horrifying vignette - lil' baby Gourdie, his buddy Scully, and his best friend Up-Chuck:


Barfing pumpkin? CHECK.  Scully?  CHECK.  Lil' baby Gourdie, shedding fungal excrescences? CHECK. Don't lick the Halloween display, folks.

Stop on by!  Knock on the door!  We have Covid-friendly treats in plastic bags - and not bullshit like Smarties or Jolly Ranchers, either.  We have CHOCOLATE. Come on by!

...unless you're too scared.




5 comments:

Mistress Maddie said...

Happy Halloween pumpkin seed!!!!!

The costume is great!!!! And that up chuck pumpkin....yuck!!!! Our trick or treat here was cancelled. Now I have all these oodles of mini liquor bottles I was going to hand out. The kids love coming here, but there parents have an issue. I still can't figure it out. bitches.

Steve. Because 'Steve' is almost as nice a name as 'Paul'. said...

I love it! I celebrated halloween with Mr. Vodka. When all was still and the hour late, I heard voices outside. venturing out of doors I saw that our new neighbors were out drinking shots and being all adult and bikery. Since we had leftover treats, and are courting type 2 diabetes, I walked over to their drunk asses and said 'hey listen, take these off our hands, willya? The pancreases you save will be your neighbors!" or words to that effect, because I was shitfaced. But so were they! And they welcomed my Covid-bagged leftover treats of sucrose and rejoiced! I shook everyones hand, and I would not recognize them if I saw them again, even though they live two doors down. L'chaim!

Mistress Maddie said...

Ah, you gotta love shit faced neighbors late in the night. I myself did a few Fireball shots. Nothing like meeting new people with a shot glass.

anne marie in philly said...

GREAT decorations! I wonder what your husband looks like without the costume?

savannah said...

Wait, Halloween was yesterday, right, sweetpea? Celebrating started on Friday and I guess continued yesterday, just at a different house. I know I'm awake now. LOVE the costume and your decorations. I think I had too much sugar in all its various forms... xoxox