Friday, October 9, 2020

A Fascinating Personal Quirk I Thought It Would Be Appropriate To Share With The WWW

 Hurrah! It finally started raining for real; and by this I mean actual raindrops, not the misty crap we've been getting.  The smoke has cleared and it no longer smells like barbecued Oregon!  No!  What it smells like is ONIONS.

I have a rather peculiar personal quirk.  After an hour of eating any given thing, even a slice of bread, I and everyone nearby will smell the evil ghost of that food emerging from my pores. Not even kidding. If I eat a single piece of plain white bread, one hour later I will smell like a Franz bakery, and other people will notice it.  Ew, right?  

I have always been like this. I don't know what causes it, but there ya go.  If I ever have to ditch and go on the run, they won' t even have to call in the bloodhounds.  Just call a sommelier and let him huff a sample of my last meal.  They'll go right to me.  This is probably why there isn't more crime in the world.  I'd like to be out committing crimes, knocking over banks and doing all kinds of crimes and vandalism and train tagging and so forth, but if I did the cops would be waiting for me at my front door going "Shoulda skipped the Reuben sandwich." And I would get tazed.

I go through so much deodorant it's ridiculous, and I use the industrial strength guy stuff, too. I use lots and lots of  air freshener, fabric freshener, incense and essential hippie oils all over the house. I shower a lot, and I clean the shower with bleach, too.  I drink 8+ glasses of plain water a day; I am the most well-hydrated person you know, trust me on this.  I change clothes three times a day. I keep my clean clothes in a separate room from my bedroom!  But  the farmer across the street can be having his field treated with liquid manure, literally, and all you'll smell if you're standing next to me is the ham sandwich I just ate. 

When this becomes personally disturbing is when I've eaten something really intensely perfumey.  Raspberries, for instance. Say I eat a single box of raspberries. The next time I pee?  The bathroom will fill with the strong aroma of raspberries and ONLY raspberries. No kidding.  

When you are sitting on the throne and your pee smells delicious, it will weird you out.

If  I've been eating my friend Balbir's curry, which smells like a whole garden of flowers and spices?  I've had a person actually ask me 'Man, what is that amazing air freshener in your bathroom?  It smells like a headshop in there!  I love it!' And this is after I flushed.  The door has been open.  Fan going.  I told them it was Glade 'Spice Islands' air freshener spray.  There is no such damn thing, of course, but I wasn't going to say 'I just took a rockin' piss.  Isn't it amazing?  Breathe that in! Yeah!'

Last night I ate some pulled pork barbecue, and the sauce was heavy on the carmelized onions.  This morning I woke up inside a giant pulled pork barbecue sandwich heavy on the carmelized onion sauce. So I did what I've been doing since I was a kid.

  The first thing I do every morning is open my bedroom window and turn on a fan and close the door.  Just leave it going all day.  If it's cold out, I stuff a towel under the door.  I learned real young that I don't want to sleep in a room saturated with the concentrated ghost of a weeks worth of everything I've eaten.  It smells like the dumpster behind McDonalds.

See, I would rather be able to wiggle my ears, or be able to crack my knuckles or touch the tip of my nose with my tongue or something charming like that, but no, I am not that person.  I am the "Do you smell kosher dill pickles?  Because I smell kosher dill pickles like crazy in here!" person.

Do you  have a personal quirk?  Can you stuff an orange up inside your foreskin?  Do rodents live in your weave?  When you walk into someones' house, do the walls start to bleed?  Do share in the comments below!


2 comments:

anne marie in philly said...

not that I am aware (personal quirk). yours is interesting. raspberry pee...

Steve. Because 'Steve' is almost as nice a name as 'Paul'. said...

anne marie in philly: it's not interesting. It's freaky. I have no problem with freaky, butI thought I'd make that a little more clear. So...yeah. And you totally know that you can armpit fart "The Star Spangled Banner" all the way through without getting a rash so don't give me that business.