I am doing the boogie dance, that dance from France, that dance without your underpants!
This very dance here! Without underpants!
My new laptop is here and it is a dream! It is sleek, it is understated, I could fling it like a Battle Frisbee of Death and decapitate my enemies because it is razor thin, and setting it up was a JOY.
OK it was a joy in comparison with the hours I've spent having to dodge and undercut the crapware on the reconditioned laptops I've been wasting my $$ on for years. I have nobody but myself to blame. On the other hand, I am the Ninja Warrior of setting up computers and digging into their entrails to extract the hidden "whoopsie, gosh, did we put that in there? well golly how the heck did that happen? do you know how that happened? well I am stumped. just stumped" bullshit they hide way back in the registries. See, to me, less is more. I'll never use this thing for gaming or watching television or Skype or recording or any of that other shit. Uninstalled!
My favorite piece of crapware is: The Calculator. You can literally type any equation you can equate into the regular search bar and get an answer just by hitting 'Search'. I mean Geeze Louise.
Of course the first thing I did was download a bunch of TOS pix.
Because I use the Cloud - and if you don't, you should be - all my stuff was safe and sound. I am not worried about Big Brother reading my shit, because he should. It's good stuff. Go ahead. I live in a 'Constitution-Free' zone anyway, so it's not like I'm not used to it.
Hi Homeland Security! Hi Border Patrol! Hi Sumas Police Department! Hi County Sheriffs! Hi....The Navy! Hi Sister Mary Petronella! Hi Santa!
Speaking of crapware, let's visit a crap site - or not. PINTEREST. Now, isn't this what they used to call....bookmarking? Except, this makes all your shit public - IF YOU JOIN, of course. Try and visit a Pinterest site that's been sealed with The Seven Seals of Gargob-Ra the Vile Selfish Fucker. You cannot. Nope. If you like to search by image, all that Pinterest shit is 'Nyah nyah, Pinterest only, you suck, ha ha ha.'
Y'know, fuck dat. It means being creative, and it takes a little longer, but the internet is a bigass place and that idea you're chasing will come up, for free, no strings, if you're willing to think - and search - outside the box. Meanwhile, I have Ye Olde Bookmarkes, and somehow, I just don't feel the blazing need to have complete strangers rifle through them and comment. Weird, right? I'm such a rebel.
In a completely unrelated vein, in my travels on Google Maps: Street View, I found a very, very tall and formidable working girl dressed in a colorful lycra catsuit - and I mean this garment was subject to some astounding compound curvage - soliciting trade in Portland, Oregon, my hometown.
On Google Street View.
This freaked me out because those little Google cars usually go out on Sunday afternoons, and this Amazon Entrepreneur was Flagging. Down. Traffic. out there by the side of the road. Huge wig. Tall, tall, tall shoes. Glorious makeup. Maybe she was out there on Sunday afternoon hoping that someone was ready to get sinning again. Believe me, this would have been the woman to lead you down that path and make you grateful.
Sadly, the picture has since been updated, and the multicolored, glorious Amazon Entrepreneur is no longer to be seen. But I remember her fondly. That's my Portland.