Hello You Lucky People!

I am gonna whine and rant! So get ready to gasp and clutch those pearls. Here goes.

I honestly do NOT have the kind of casual everyday light and fluffy family memories that other people have.  Every time I meet a new person I have to weigh everything I say, and that doesn't make for a very enjoyable conversation, when one person never has anything to say other than "Oh, that's nice" or "Wow, that must have been something." It also doesn't create deep and lasting friendships.

The thing is, I've been through the Valley.  That valley is behind me now.  I no longer identify myself as That Issue and my life no longer revolves around Fighting That Issue. I don't even think about it most days. My life is mine now.  It's about my home, my family, my marriage, my town, making things, studying things, being curious and laughing and listening to good music.  I have joy now!  I am being shaped by joy and I embrace joy.  I'd like to meet someone who wants to be joyful with me. Like in a boat or something.  Movies. Sushi bar. You know, fun.

 I recently went to someones' house for dinner, and found out that knowing someone online for fifteen years does not mean that things will go peachy in meatspace.  The very least of my additions to the conversation shocked this person and their family, and it made me feel so rude, and so weird, and so embarrassing.  I didn't leap onto the table and say shitpisscuntfuckcocksuckermotherfuckertits, or anal fistula, or Hail Satan.  I just took part in the conversation, casually, with a laugh, didn't go into deep detail, answered questions.  I thought I was going into a situation where people had an idea of who I am.  Turns out I'm fine online; just not so much live and eating your barbecue.  And why in fuck was it me who came away feeling humiliated anyway?

Seems to me that this person 'yeah, but' - ed who I am right out of the picture.  They've read fifteen years of me being me...yeah, but, I'm sure FirstNations is actually nice/able to be helped/ going to want to listen to my problems and want to deal with me being coy about wanting her to listen to my problems over and over and over again.

If you think you've found a raunchy old hag who has 'Been There' and will really get you, who will dig and dig and dig and finally OVERCOME your opposition and MAKE you tell your awful truth so you can dump and pee and bleed and shit all over me, you are sadly mistaken.  I am not going to do that. I will not play that game.  And it is a game.  It's called 'Cry Rape'.

It's when you don't want to take responsibility for your pain.  It's so you can say "I didn't want to put that out there - I was just really confused and overcome."  It's when you don't want to offend people.  When the truth is dangerous.  It's you believing that you can't risk that dangerous knowledge being brought to light in a professional setting, but it's safe to dump it on some schmuck.

I have never referred to my children, repeatedly, in front of company, as "Spawn of Satan," or "Devil-Spawn."  Much as I have wanted to.  That's not joking.  That's passive aggression.

Recently I was challenged to post a whole week of 'nice' things.  No swearing.  Happy. Light. Uplifting.  And I did that.  Unfortunately, when I agreed to do that, I also essentially agreed that I am the exact opposite of those things.  I should have realized that the person who submitted the challenge was trying to 'make me better.'  I should have realized that I am still very susceptible to being cast as the villain of the piece, a source of bad things.

Well, I realized it, and I utterly reject that characterization. I am ten armed Divines and ten Amazon bitches and one jackass and You Can't Stop Me.   

 If what I say and who I am and how I express myself scares you?  If it offends you?  If it makes you want to improve me? Looks like you have a problem. Looks like I've defined that problem for you, too.

If there is a God, God gets me.

You do not.

Please get over yourself and get help.