Wednesday, October 20, 2021

Is This The Real Life? Or Just ADHD?

 

                                   ...fucked up at Safeway, but got two dozen eggs for meeee......

 I just did the most inadvertent Karen thing ever.  

I bought a dozen jumbo eggs (the most awesome and expensivist and super coolerist of all the egg groups) got out to my car, didn't find the eggs in my bags and went back in with the receipt.  The checker said 'Oh! Sorry! Just go on back and get the same thing.'  So I did!  And hippity hopped back out to my car only to find the eggs still in the shopping basket.

Oh shit.

So I trudged back in with the eggs and went to the checker and said "It wasn't your fault, it was mine. I'm so sorry. Here, what do I do with these?'

The manager shows up, smiles and chuckles and says, 'Go ahead and keep them. Once they've been out of the store I can't take them back, they'll just get surplussed."

I look at their smiling faces, and what is the first thing that pops out of my mouth? Not 'Thank you!' Not "Why, how nice of you!" No.  I sing "I'm gonna go egg-ing cars now!" and prance out of the store.

It hits me in mid prance. "What kind of a moron am I?  Did I really just sing the neener-neener song?  Oh my God, do they think I did all that just to get free jumbo eggs?"

I am bummed.

As I'm driving away, I tell myself  'Come on now. My motives were pure, it was a mistake, I'm not the only weirdo they'll see today' but it isn't working, so I decide to cheer myself up by singing Bohemian Rhapsody.

Now, I can sing the hell out of Bohemian Rhapsody.  It never fails to get my mind out of a bad groove. And I put my heart into it.  So I'm driving through farm country just belting out Bohemian Rhapsody with all my soul, and when I get to that high note? That sustained 'Meeeeeeeeeeeee'? I give it my all, full voice, and throw my arm out the window dramatically,


 

...and see a police car.

And look down at my speedometer and see that I am doing 70 in a 55mph zone in rural Lynden. 

I am so fucked. 


But fortune smiled on me! I was not stopped! Don't ask me why!  All the way home I was imagining how I would have had to explain to the cop why I'd been driving with one hand on the wheel, speeding and for all appearances screaming at the top of my lungs.  All I know is that I burned up a lotta weird old lady karma points in less than 20 minutes this afternoon.

_____________

The Story Of The Great Paneer Hunt

I am a slave to saag paneer.  When I have to have it, I let nothing get in  my way.  I will drive all the way to Blaine for paneer, although I don't have to usually. 

You see, there is a large population of people from India on both sides of the border in this particular area, and dairy is insanely expensive in Canada for some reason, so we have two dairy stores no less that five blocks from my front door. We get lots of folks coming down through the Sumas crossing to load up their cars with the stuff, so I'm usually able to feed my Jones with little effort.

Today was not that day.  NOBODY has any paneer.

There are two craft cheesemakers in Whatcom County who make the stuff, never mind the big companies! The stuff is sold in all the big grocery stores! Costco carries paneer!  Wal-Mart carries paneer! They even carry paneer in the gas station Quickie Marts! IN THE QUICKIE MARTS FFS!  7-11 CARRIES PANEER!!!

Not today.  Today there is no paneer whatsoever in all the land.  I made calls. I looked online. I went to the outlets, the quickie marts, the supermarkets, gas stations, dairy stores, you name it. Nothing. Nada.

How does this happen?  Cows are not exactly an endangered species. Particularly around my neck of the woods. I HAVE BEEN DENIED PANEER AND I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT AT ALL.

So I'm gonna make my own.  Yup.  It's come to that.

Pray for me.

17 comments:

Mistress Maddie said...

The chicken gods were smiling down on you sweet pea!!!

Now what day is omelets day? I'll being the bacon.

Camille said...

WTF...I'm over here in very rural New England saying to myself...what the hell is Paneer and why is the nearest authentic Indian Restaurant approximately 75 miles away in order to resolve the situation. Shit. I just googled it. Thanks. Now I'm going to crave that shit forever. But just for the record...love you to pieces. X

63mago said...

The Mistress was right from the start, you have a cheese issue.

Jon said...

Your "Crazy Egg Lady" story just brought the fabulous Edith Massey to mind - and this scene from Pink Flamingos... Jx

dinahmow said...

So, you might have burned a few brownie points, but karma likes your sense of humour and redressed the balance.

Steve. Because 'Steve' is almost as nice a name as 'Paul'. said...

Mistress Maddie: I like the idea of God as an omnipresent magic chicken. In fact, if we all have personal gods, this is probably mine. A giant magic space chicken would really get me. A giant magic space chicken would gift me with a dozen jumbo eggs and immunity from cops via the intercession of Freddy Mercury. Huh!

Steve. Because 'Steve' is almost as nice a name as 'Paul'. said...

Camille: Aww, thanks! XOO Anyway, it's pretty simple to make your own paneer: https://cheesemaking.com/products/paneer-cheese-making-recipe
....and at least in this neck of the woods, I'd be saving from $2.00 to $3.00 per pound by making it with a gallon of whole milk and vinegar and 1.00 by using citric acid (which is what I chose because I didn't do enough research. Dumb. The acid coagulant has nothing to do with the finished flavor because you rinse the curds before dripping and forming them anyway. With vinegar I'd be saving a solid 2.00 all day long, and the price of paneer isn't going down. So yeah.)

Steve. Because 'Steve' is almost as nice a name as 'Paul'. said...

63Mago: The Mistress is always right!

Steve. Because 'Steve' is almost as nice a name as 'Paul'. said...

Jon: OMG that is a perennial joke here at Rancho FirstNations! "Eggs! Eggs! I love eggs! Quick, Hans, quick! Oh Hans!" and so forth. Anybody in an almighty hurry to get something ridiculous is subject to us mercilessly jeering them with this routine, using our best 'Edith' voices! Even my daughter does it! In fact, this is what my husband said when he opened the refrigerator and saw my epic egg haul. We're sick, sick people, I know. (John Waters YAAAS)

Steve. Because 'Steve' is almost as nice a name as 'Paul'. said...

dinahmow: Madame, you are too kind. BTW, have you sent in your garden photos to IDV???

Steve. Because 'Steve' is almost as nice a name as 'Paul'. said...

Jon: I know we're mixing our John Waters quotes, but that's just how it stuck in our collective consciousness. Years ago I introduced The Biker and The Stainless Steel Amazon to John Waters by throwing them into the deep end - 5 Waters videos at a whack - and it marked them for life. Me and the Biker also sing 'Look at their house...French Provincial!" as we go through ultra tidy retiree neighborhoods. We're fucked up, I know.

Ms Scarlet said...

I also feel guilty when I get free stuff, and I agree with the singing - it gets me out of a fug, too. But dancing even more so. Unfortunately I do not have any funny dancing incidences to regale you with - I guess it's something we can look forward too.
Sx

savannah said...

I like eggs!

xoxox

ProximaBlue said...

It's part of our patriotic duty as Americans to have an exuberant love for cheese and by some degree, eggs. I'm glad you didn't get pulled over. Once when I was pulled over and they asked why I was speeding I had no good answer so threw out, "Too much sugar?" Hahaha. I have no idea why!

Steve. Because 'Steve' is almost as nice a name as 'Paul'. said...

Ms Scarlet: Oh, I know you're out there on the corner doing leet moves on your cardboard patch with your NWA turned up to 11. Don't try to deny it. I have footage.

Steve. Because 'Steve' is almost as nice a name as 'Paul'. said...

Savannah: Hail to the yaas you do, gal! Well tighten your girdle, stand up in your crib and sing it with me!
"I WOULD EAT THEM IN A BOAT.
AND I WOULD EAT THEM WITH A GOAT...
AND I WILL EAT THEM, IN THE RAIN.
AND IN THE DARK. AND ON A TRAIN.
AND IN A CAR. AND IN A TREE.
THEY ARE SO GOOD, SO GOOD, YOU SEE!
SO I WILL EAT THEM IN A BOX.
AND I WILL EAT THEM WITH A FOX.
AND I WILL EAT THEM IN A HOUSE.
AND I WILL EAT THEM WITH A MOUSE.
AND I WILL EAT THEM HERE AND THERE.
SAY! I WILL EAT THEM ANYWHERE!
...yes, I've been day drinking. It's Sunday.

Steve. Because 'Steve' is almost as nice a name as 'Paul'. said...

ProximaBlue: I love it! 'Too much sugar' is a fantastic comeback! However I was unaware that my love of cheese and jumbo eggs was a patriotic duty as well as a predilection. 61 years old and shit, I still learn something new every day.