Gimme A V! Gimme an 'O'! Gimme A 'D'! Gimme A 'K'! Gimme An 'A'!

 I decided to dry out last November.  No more alcohol.  And I'm able to quit things without too much drama (except smoking) and change my habits without much effort.  Yes, I'm one of those disgusting people who actually keep their New Years' Resolutions. I suck and am uncool. I've also lost 50 lbs and gained a 6-pack, kids, so when you call me Granny, SMILE MOTHERFUCKER.

I had an iffy week after I stopped drinking, I won't lie.  Around about 4 in the afternoon I'd begin thinking about a Bloody Maria or a Vodka Driver, or a Lagunitas 'Lil Sumpin Sumpin' or six.  I'd have to write it out furiously, or go online and find a substitute habit, like Reddit topics or true ghost stories.  I did a lot of pacing and drinking water.  But after that week passed, my body shook off the physical jones and I spent the next week sweating all the precursor out - the fat-stored 'welcome, booze!' chemicals - which was nasty as fuck and stunk.  That right there was enough to buck up my willpower, because there is nothing nastier than ex-booze stank.  It just cascades out of your system and taints all your bodily products.  I had to Febreeze my hat, coat and shoes for a week just so I wouldn't be simmering in my raunch or inflicting it on others.  It may have been in my head, but I wasn't going to take a chance.

TMI? Nah, I know you degenerates.  And hey -  anybody out there who has given up a chemical habit knows I'm telling the Gods' honest truth.  And if you'd care to chime in with your own tales of 'I gave up _________' feel free.  I'd be super interested to hear your experiences!

Oddly, once I quit drinking I suddenly thought 'damn, I'd like a cigarette.'  (Not vape, although I am all for vaping. I've tried it and I really enjoyed it.  Particularly the awesome, massive clouds of cold smoke you exhale.  That really pleased the six year old child of Satan in me.)  

No, I wanted a cigarette, and the whole ritual that goes along with smoking.  The tamping of the pack, the shaking out of the smoke, cracking the lighter, that first excellent hit that goes right to that sweet spot right behind your sternum and puts the world right for a moment, and then the exhale.  Holding the cigarette between  my fingers.  The smell of the unsmoked pack, the tobacco and the paper and the foil.  The smell of the butane.  Holding the lighter in my hand.  Flicking my hair back as I lit up.  Even that rich couple of coughs midway through that first cigarette of the day. 

When you are a smoker, smoking punctuates your day - after a meal.  When the phone rings.  During a break.  After a task.  At a tavern or a bar - I mean, walk in the door and light up (I'm really old and this was pretty much what everyone who smoked did.  You walked in, took off your coat and lit up a smoke before you ordered.  It was just that way.)  With a beer.  As soon as you got into a car.  As soon as you hit the bus stop. As soon as you got off a bus.  Like that.

And see, that's what makes smoking cigarettes so hard to say goodbye to.  There's so many different habits going on.  So many little routines.  It pervades your life.  I FOUGHT for years to quit, and once I did, I knew that I couldn't play around with cigarettes again. So I said 'fuck no' to that impulse. 

Meanwhile, I like a cigar with a shot of Bushmills (thank you, MITM!) because there is nothing as fine as the play of a quality cigar combined with a good whiskey.  It puts you in touch with your heart chakra.  But that is a very, very special and specific treat (thank you, MITM!) that I only indulge in a couple of times during the Fall of the year, period, full stop.

Here's the deal.  I'm thinking about starting drinking again.

I've had a couple of drinks lately.  Once in Anacortes, and one the other day.  And it was good. It put the cap on the day and smoothed out my vibe. I realized 'Damn, this is what's been missing. This cherry on top of the day.'

 I decided to try full-on waterwagon abstinence, and it was a thing. I was happy. I can flourish and create.  

But I also like a buzz.  I've always been into the recreational buzz - chemical, dust, smoke.  I don't do the others any more, but alcohol is a known quantity, one I can navigate, manage, and one I enjoy.  The buzz is a treat.  And I really missed it, come to realize.  

So I'm going to start drinking again.

DISCUSS.