The Gift Of Sleazy Pressure-Fried Chicken

 Holy shit you guys, I just had my very own Reddit moment!

So. The Biker leaves me a coupon and a note this morning.  The coupon is for an eight-piece fried chicken box for $4.00 an order, first two orders.  So this means you can get two 8-piece orders of ck at $4.00 bucks apiece - two orders adding up to $8.00. Am I going to go for that?  

Fuck yes I am.

Safeway is where we always get our fried chicken, because in the universe of sleazy fried chicken, Safeways' sleazy fried tzikken-birdie reigns supreme.  Their eight-piece mixed box is a treasure chest of crunchy, greasy, salty, chicken flavored Heaven.  No other supermarket deli has anything like the wonderful, sheer pressure-fried awesomeness of Safeway sleazy ass fried chicken.

The note that the Biker leaves me says "Get two orders!"  And I am all about that, plus I need another bottle of vodka, so off to Safeway I rock, thinking about how awesome it's going to be to have two eight piece orders of sleazy fried chicken to chomp on at whim.  

I get to the store, get my order filled at the deli department, pick up a big ol' bottle of cheap vodka (I drink the shit out of a little coffee cup mixed with Sunny D so it's not like I'm going to be spending for Grey Goose - money ahead all the way) and happily go to check out with my big ol' buckets of sleazy fried ck and a economy sized plastic bottle of distilled potato juice.

And the coupon is not for Safeway.  

I'm in the line.  The dude scans it, and the coupon won't run.

Furthermore, my debit card won't run either!!!  This is ten metric  tonnes of doggie squatto's for real.  I am fucked at this point, and I look like a dork.

I stood there and tripped tits.  "Oh my God I am so sorry," I say sincerely, embarrassed all to heck. "I can't see anywhere on the coupon where it says the store name. I just assumed Safeway because we always come here.  My husband left it for me this morning with a note!" I tell the poor checker.  

And then, to make things just awesomely perfect, my goddamn debit card won't run, crap oh Murphy dawg, and the customers are stacking up behind me, and I feel like Mrs. Fuck Off O'Lady for realzes.  I am fully ready to pay full price and I tell the checker this fact.

That checkout dude was so sweet and so nice to me about this!  Long story short, he cancelled the sale, re-set the card reader, my card went through and I got both buckets of chicken FOR THE SALE PRICE!

And I got the coupon back!

So now I have two orders of smoking hot eight piece fried chicken, bishezz! At this very minute, we here at Rancho FirstNations are watching Trailer Park Boys and chomping down on sleazy supermarket deli chicken like demigods, with another untouched 8 pack waiting in the fridge for tomorrow!

AND I HAVE A STILL-VALID COUPON FOR TWO 8 PIECE  MIXED BUCKETS FROM ENNENS' MARKET!  

Fuck yeah I'm going to use in a couple of days for more sleazy pressure-fried chicken awesomeness!  Even though Ennen's Market has less than optimum sleazy fried chicken, I am willing to make that sacrifice. Why?  Because eight piece fried ck for $4.00 an order, first two orders, kids.  You don't just flick that shit into the round file.  We are gonna be living like Masters of Trash here for the next four days.  Just cheap vodka and fried chicken, man.  Maybe some nudity.  Maybe some small arms use.

AMERICA!  FUCK YEAH!

Here's the deal though.  Yeah, I got a freebie.  But I didn't go skipping out of the store with my pressure fried prize.  I found a manager and I gave that checker a GLOWING review.  "He was so polite, and so accommodating, and treated me so respectfully that I'm really grateful, because it was an embarrassing situation and he really made me feel special.  He's awesome and incredibly professional. You got a customer for  life," I told the manager.  Made sure to point out the guy.  Made sure to make the manager saw the guy I was talking about.  I'll go online a little later and put it in writing, too.  

You don't just take your gift from the universe and run.  You give credit where credit is due.  Particularly in the public service sector, man.  I think everyone reading this knows what a nightmare job working with the public can be.  Glowing customer reviews really mean a lot to employees.  And you have to spread the vibe and send the karma back around. That's what keeps the good vibe rolling. That's what keeps life on Earth from being a thankless nightmare.

With ADHD I had to learn this behavior. (Christ knows my parents didn't teach me to treat other people with respect.)  I have a little motto I tell myself; it's an acronym - ENATA.  It stands for ' Effective, Necessary, Accurate, Timely, Appropriate.' It's the way you measure the message that first springs to mind in response to any given conversational gambit, and a way to judge whether or not your response is worth voicing.  Nine times out of ten, my first impulse is...less than optimum.  Unless you let your goddamn dog piss on my Birds' Nest Evergreen.  You will get yelled at for that shit.  

I get one half second's worth of time to decide 'should I say/do something?' thanks to Adderal - that's the beauty of Adderal.  You get that one split second that normal people get and think nothing of.  Untreated, an ADHD person just does and says the first dumbass thing that crosses their mind. With Adderal and the 'ENATA' guideline I can keep myself in line during my everyday interactions. I really work at this shit too because I was not a wonderful person in my youth, and I have a lot of karma to set right.  That, and I genuinely want to be a positive note in a less than positive world - this is my revolution. I grew up with people who had damaged and blackened souls, and my soul became damaged and blackened by the contact, and further damaged by the kind of vibe that 'Scarlet Letter' broadcasts about you into the world - water seeks it's own level, like seeks like, yin yearns for yang.  Part of putting a stake through the heart of my awful past means I decide consciously to deliver the most positive response to any given act, and it will suck your soul dry sometimes.  I don't always feel like  being Sister Mary Sunshine. But I have to live in a neighborhood too, in a small town, and so I must work at this shit.

I know I bang on about 'Think Globally, Act Locally' and I get preachy.  But it's the only thing that's  made my life mean something.  I didn't find any meaning in religion or politics or anything but in the basic human act of choosing reciprocal survival as a life model.  The Biker and I do our best to keep the flame alive here.

But I'm still going to re-use that coupon and get 16 more pieces of sleazy fried chicken for $8.00 bucks.