Horse Nipples Aren't Supposed To Look Like That

Quaint mental vignettes from my charming rural idyll:

 Early nerd interests always seems to follow the same basic path of interests:  1.Volcanoes  2.Dinosaurs 3. Ancient Egypt 4. Mayas/Aztecs/Human Sacrifice 5.Elizabethan England.  And then they're off!  Just about every nerd I know personally went through the same progression as a little kid.

Except my granddaughter.

She took the following path:  

1.Planking.  From the time she was 4 days old (yes, really) this kid could plank like an internet star.  She could plank between two chairs, the table and a chair, you name it. I would stick the kid into place and then stack toys and stuff on her tummy.  We have a couple of pictures of this, in fact. I could fly her around the house and she'd be like a carbon-fiber glider, just laughing up a storm. Her mother was less than pleased, but....her mother. Ahem.  

2. Hauling around live chickens.  Everywhere.  

3. Peas, because what's not to love about climbing peas? 

4. ACORNS.  The kid was obsessed with acorns.  Her life was acorn-centric.  She would only listen to acorn stories and look at acorn pictures.  We visited Old Salem Village while all the trees were shedding acorns, and that kid was in her element.  She told me that she was the queen of the squirrels and her squirrel army would enslave all the other squirrels and steal their acorns.  This was quite the Squirrellian Iliad, too. She was about six and you could tell that she'd really been thinking about her strategy.

"Is she even interested in the Egyptians?" I asked my daughter, the Stainless Steel Amazon (AKA 'Mega Karen')

"Not a lot of acorns in Egypt," my daughter sighed.  "I've tried.  We've all tried.  Nope.  Acorns.  Her nightstand is full of them.  There's always acorns in the wash."

(Grandma brag) Both grandkids are in magnet schools, way ahead of the curve, so if they want to haul chickens around - or create a YouTube cooking show starring a dachshund, like my grandson just did, then more power to them.  It's just the FirstNation gene momentarily effecting their cognitive functions.

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The most annoying human being in the world is Zawi Hawass.  He is ruining Ancient Egypt for everybody.  If anyone high up in the Egyptian government is lurking on here, would you please fire him already?  He's a freaking national embarrassment.  He is a spaz and a twat.  This dude was clearly raised as mommy's Precious Princeling.  It's not a good look on a grown-ass man, anonymous Egyptian governmental lurker. Fire his ass now.  I mean it.

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There are different levels of flipping someone off.  Apparently I am the only person who remembers this, so let's review.

Let's say Joe flipped someone off.  You would say "Wow, you shoulda seen Joe flip the eagle."  Or "Joe didn't say shit, he just shot an/the eagle and walked off."  

1. Eagle.  Just flipping someone off in a no-nonsense manner.  The hand is not clenched.  The thumb protrudes gently from one side. The forearm is raised at a right angle to the floor, and the gesture is made at face level or slightly raised.  This is the classic Eagle.

2. Double Eagle.  Same as above, but using both hands.

3. Full Eagle. Standing up (and leaning in a bit for style points) specifically to perform an Eagle.

3. Full Double Eagle Royale, which is a standing Double Eagle used while giving voice to multiple swears, such as 'Fuck ya ya fuckin' fucker and fuck your fuckin' mother, ya motherfuckin' fucker, yeah, fuckin' fuck you."

4. Flying an Eagle. Rolling down the window of your car to stick your arm outside and execute an Eagle while in traffic.  My personal specialty.

5. Flying Double Eagle. When both driver and passenger fly an Eagle in traffic.  The Biker and I are past masters of this art.  It's like synchronized swimming, man, we're rolling down the windows in tandem and BOOM shakalaka, our car has Wings of Vengeance.  A Rancho FirstNations trademark move.

6. Screaming Eagle.  See above, and add horn honking and/or shouted invective.

7. Imperial Eagle. Torso entirely out of car window flying a Double Eagle and screaming invective.  If you are the driver, and are also honking the car horn using your knee, you are in 'Legend' territory and become a demigod.

I can't believe I'm the only person who remembers this. Of course I was in 7th grade and haven't matured much since then, so there's that. 

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I just had my prozac dosage increased.  One of the side effects is extremely vivid and peculiar dreams.  But see, that's my life, man.  That's every single night for me, my whole fuckin' life.  I'd never noticed any difference on the lower dose.  Not a bit.  And then...

I dreamed last night that a brown horse fell passionately in love with me.  At first the horse and I were just playing, but the tumbling and chasing began to take on an intimate note, and finally the horse rolled over and asked me (using these very words) "See if you can scratch my nipples effectively." 

This is not something a horse says to you every day.  It had a tummy like a dog, not a horse. I decided to leave the horse at this moment, because I was weirded out, and I was busy helping some people clean out a garage (?) but the horse kept sneaking around peeking at me around corners and through windows, and from behind bushes.  

Don't listen to the bullshit out there about Prozac.  It's the most fun you can have while totally unconscious!

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